the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here [Archive]

captainlaziness

02-20-2006, 05:06 AM

Speaking of pirates...

A pirate ship is sailing out in the sea. On of the deck hands sees another pirate ship approaching, as if to attack. The deck hand runs to the the captain, "Captain! Captain! We're about to be attacked!" he says.
"Bring me my red shirt." orders the captain.
The deck hand brings the captain his red shirt, they fight and defeat the other ship.
A week later, the deck hand sees three pirate ships approaching, as if to attack.
"Captain. Captain. We're about to be attacked again! This time there's three ships!"
The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt."
The deck hand brings the captain his red shirt, the fight the three ships and win.
Another week goes by and the deck hand sees five pirate ships approaching as if to attack.
"Captain! Captain! We're about to be attacked! This time there's five ships!"
"Bring me my red shirt." says the captain.
Again, the deck hand brings the captain his red shirt, they fight the other pirates and win.
The crew is now curious about the mystical red sirt, they believe it has some magical powers.
"Captain," asks the deck hand "does youre red shirt have magical powers that let us defeat all of our foes?"
"No, I just wear it so if during the battle I'm injured my crew will not see me bleed and lose their courage. We have defeated our foes all on our own." replies the captain.
Another week goes by and the deck hand sees ten pirate ships approaching as if to attack.
"Captain! Captain! We're about to be attacked! This time there's ten pirate ships! Would you like your red shirt?"
"No." says the captain "Bring me my brown pants."

And on a completely different note....
What kind of bees make honey?
Honeybees.
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobees!

AKgoalie7

02-20-2006, 12:53 PM

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobees!

:rofl:

Why couldn't the pirate go see the movie??

because it was rated ARRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!

xlr8tC

02-20-2006, 08:27 PM

So Arthur Davidson Dies And Goes To Heaven...

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good
man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you
can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pol lution and can't run without a
road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,
but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's t oo much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours."

--- I always thought the next line should read" Give it time, God, give it time."

captainlaziness

02-20-2006, 09:31 PM

There are two flies eating a piece of poo. One fly lifts his leg and farts. The other fly says, "HEY! I'm tryin' to eat here!"

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Call it whatever you want, it aint coming.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a mute quadrapalegic in a pile of leaves?
Russel.

Why is five six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine.

jct

02-20-2006, 10:28 PM

omg these are freakin great!!! bad jokes are just as good as good jokes

captainlaziness

02-20-2006, 10:34 PM

If you like stupid, immature, and completely ridiculous humor, might I suggest:
ChuckNorrisFacts.com

jct

02-20-2006, 11:01 PM

pls don't post those

captainlaziness

02-21-2006, 04:24 AM

What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Doyouthinkhesaurus.

cherryBox

02-21-2006, 08:36 AM

what do timex watches and elephants have in common?

they both come in quartz.

xlr8tC

02-21-2006, 04:35 PM

Three old pilots are walking on the ramp.
First one says, Windy, isn't it?
Second one says, No, its Thursday!
Third one says, So am I. Lets go get a beer.

Hot06tC

02-21-2006, 05:00 PM

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!!

Three tomatoes were walking down the road. Mom, Dad, and baby tomato.
The little one was lagging behind.
So Dad turned around and stomped him and said......
KETCHUP!!!

xlr8tC

02-21-2006, 05:37 PM

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

KevinA

02-21-2006, 05:39 PM

What is a pirate's favorite restaurant?

AAAARRRRRBY's

captainlaziness

02-21-2006, 10:10 PM

A blind man is walking down the street. He passes by the local fish martket and smiles. "Goodmorning ladies."

A young boy and a man are walking through a creepy forest at night.
"Gee mister, this forest sure is scary." says the boy.
"You think it's scarry now, but I've got to walk back alone."

How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hey! Wanna ride bikes?

How many perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only one, but it takes a whole operating room to remove it.

Monica Lewinski is walking down the beach and trips over a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says, "You have released my from my 1000 year slumber. However, you haven't led the best of lives so I will grant you one wish instead of three."
"Well," says Monica "I've alredy been with a powerfull man. My book has made me rich. Umm, can you get rid of these love handles?"
"Your wish is my command." replies the genie.
*POOF*
Monica's ears dissappear.

captainlaziness

02-22-2006, 02:57 AM

Why didn't the pirate go see the movie?
Because it was rated 'G'

xlr8tC

02-22-2006, 03:10 AM

A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot
strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess
comes around and the man asks her for a cup of coffee, whereupon the
parrot squawks, "Bring me a whiskey, _____."

The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the parrot,
but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the
parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "Get me another
whiskey, _____."

Quite upset, the stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the
parrot, but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such
slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked
you twice for a coffee, _____, now go and get it for me."

In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards arrive, grab both the man
and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and toss them both out
of the airplane..

As they're falling toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man and
says, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're kind of a mouthy
bastard."

THansenite

02-22-2006, 07:07 PM

My favorite 3 on here. I almost got caught by the boss here at work after laughing at these. :rofl: :rofl: :lalala: :rofl:

1. How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hey! Wanna ride bikes?

2. A priest, a rabbi and a monk walk into a bar. The bartender says" What is this, some kinda joke?"

3. Monica Lewinski is walking down the beach and trips over a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says, "You have released my from my 1000 year slumber. However, you haven't led the best of lives so I will grant you one wish instead of three."
"Well," says Monica "I've alredy been with a powerfull man. My book has made me rich. Umm, can you get rid of these love handles?"
"Your wish is my command." replies the genie.
*POOF*
Monica's ears dissappear.

THE_DON

02-22-2006, 08:42 PM

Little boy blue.

He needed the money.

-THE DON

captainlaziness

02-22-2006, 09:18 PM

Did you hear about camping?
It's intense.

The_Instigator

02-22-2006, 10:23 PM

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants.

The bartender says "isnt it uncomfortable having that steering wheel down your pants?"

The pirate says " Yarr, its driving me nuts!"

-----------

What did the blind, deaf and dumb parapalegic kid get for christmas?

Cancer

------------

Great link:

http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2792

jct

02-22-2006, 11:25 PM

:rofl:

mfenske

02-23-2006, 01:07 AM

A priest is taking confession when he has to poop. He grabs the janitor and tells him to "sit here and ask them what they've done and when someone tells you a sin just tell them to do what you think is right and say some Hail Marys". The janitor is sitting there a few minutes when a man comes in and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I cheated on my wife". To which the janitor replies "Tell your wife and say 10 Hail Marys". The man leaves and a few minutes later another man comes in and confesses "Forgive me father for I killed a man" . The janitor replies "Turn yourself in to the police and say 50 Hail Marys". More time passes and a woman sits down "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I gave my husband a BJ". The janitor is confused by this one. He happens to like BJ's and she's married so he doesn't see the harm. In a stroke of genious he sees an altar boy walking by and asks "What does the priest give for a BJ"? To which the altar boy replies.

"Two candy bars and a soda". Mark

aera

02-23-2006, 12:18 PM

alright i got 3 of them

1."two pretzels are walking down the street one was assaulted"

2."a sandwich walks into a bar and the bartenders says we dont serve food here"

3."two guys walk into a bar the third guy ducks"

Stu_Gotti

02-23-2006, 12:34 PM

:lol:

THansenite

02-23-2006, 02:59 PM

jeffrgunn23

02-23-2006, 03:32 PM

Why wouldn't they let Hellen Keller Drive?

Because she was a woman

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?

You slap her

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead

What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence?

Utter destruction

captainlaziness

02-23-2006, 09:50 PM

If you are Asian in the kitchen, American in the bedroom, and Austrailian in the basement, what are you in the bathroom?

European.
Hehehehe

jct

02-23-2006, 10:53 PM

:rofl: Utter destruction :rofl:

PrettyniceB

02-23-2006, 11:52 PM

I love this post! :love: !!!

Oh were do Tornados eat at? ---------------------->Wendy's

And all these pirate jokes, please stop. I know for a fact
that they(pirates) don't appreciate them at all.
Once I met a pirate, and I said to him "People always make
jokes about your people, which I know probably makes ya
mad; So I asked him, why do pirates always
look Mad? He replied, because we aRrrrrrre!

*disclaimer* I never met a pirate before, that's a joke too. :lalala:
I think this qualifies as a bad joke in general, :silly: thanks for the opp

jeffrgunn23

02-24-2006, 01:50 AM

A pirate goes to talk at a school for career day. He walks in and all of the kids are amazed because he has a peg for a leg, a hook for a hand and a patch over his eye.

the first qustion was, "what happened to your leg"? The pirate repied "I jumped off me boat and a shark swam up and bit it off, so I had to repace it with this peg"

The next kid asked, "what happened to your hand?" The pirate replied "I was in battle and a cannon shot me hand off, and I had to replace it with this hook"

The next was, "was happened to your eye. The pirate replied "A bird pooped in me eye". One kid asked "and that made you lose your eye?" the pirate said "no, it happened the day after they gave me the hook!"

KevinxB

02-24-2006, 01:58 AM

Ok, get the kids out of the room for this one...

A guy walks into a bar and says "Bartender, gimme 6 shots of vodka."
The bartender lines 'em up and the downs them, one after another.
"Wow buddy, what's the occasion?"
" It was my first BJ." says the guy.
"Well, in that case the sevenths on the house"
"No thanks," says the man. "If six doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

Ok, now. On 3 everyone say "eww, gross"

:rolling:

jct

02-24-2006, 02:44 AM

xlr8tC

02-26-2006, 01:04 AM

Here's another gem to groan at.

2 Guys were trying to come up with the name for Canada.

First guy: Okay, You are going to stand here, ay, and pull letters out of this hat, ay. Shout them to me over there at that markerboard. I'll write them down, over there, ay, and we'll re-arrange them.
The second guy nods and the the first guy goes over to the markerboard.
Second guy pulls a letter out and says "C, ay"
first guy writes it down.
Second guy pulls a letter out and says "N, ay"
first guy writes it down.
Second guy pulls a letter out and says "D, ay"
first guy writes it down.
Second guy pulls a letter out and the first guy yells"HEY WHOA!!!! I THINK WE GOT SOMTHING, AY.

xlr8tC

02-26-2006, 01:28 AM

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

xlr8tC

02-26-2006, 01:29 AM

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman."
Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken ____!"

captainlaziness

02-26-2006, 07:39 PM

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ___?
Mechanic.

An Amish woman is riding her horse and buggy through town. A police officer pulls her over.
"Ma'am, I just wanted to let you know that your reflector on the back of your buggy is about to fall off." the cop says.
"I thank thee," says the woman "I shall have my husband fix it when I return home."
The officer starts to get back in his cruiser but notices something else.
"Ma'am," he says "I also think you should know that your reigns are wrapped around your horse's testicles."
"Thank you sir." she replies.
That evening when the woman's husband gets home she tells him about what happened.
"A police officer told me that the reflector on the buggy is coming off and needs to be fixed."
"Ok." says the husband.
"He also said that we should check the emergency brake."

jct

02-26-2006, 07:59 PM

emergency brake :rofl: HAHAHAHA

xlr8tC

02-27-2006, 07:27 PM

A man walked into a bar. There, he saw a beautiful, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. Approaching her he said, "Hello there gorgeous. How are you?"
Having already had a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it since I got out of college. I just flat ___ love it."
Eyes wide with interest, he said, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What
firm are you with?"

xlr8tC

02-27-2006, 07:29 PM

A couple had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband insisted on turning off the lights.
After 20 years of marriage the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him,"how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

jct

03-06-2006, 11:54 AM

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a
tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the
animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the
counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

(hang on, this is really good......)

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper man! agement
position in United States Government: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the
bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

matt_a

03-06-2006, 01:30 PM

jct

03-06-2006, 10:00 PM

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10
miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other
side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and
with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and
love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she
replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And
just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger,
then work my way up - - two fingers, then three,
then four, then get my whole hand in. I work from side
to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot
@#%hole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $125.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

Hot06tC

03-07-2006, 07:30 PM

There are 3 men, and an outhouse on top of a hill.

1 walking down, 1 in the outhouse, and 1 coming up the hill.

What nationality are they??

Finnish, European, and Russian.

Ohhhhhhhhh. That was bad.

atodak

03-08-2006, 11:10 AM

What do two lesbians do during menopause............

Fingerpaint.

Hot06tC

03-08-2006, 03:32 PM

^ http://www.nukkas.com/eew.gif

Stu_Gotti

03-08-2006, 04:35 PM

:rofl: Grossssssss! :lol:

There are 3 men, and an outhouse on top of a hill.

1 walking down, 1 in the outhouse, and 1 coming up the hill.

What nationality are they??

Finnish, European, and Russian.

Ohhhhhhhhh. That was bad. :lol: That was good :P

Hot06tC

03-08-2006, 04:39 PM

Pete and Repeat were on a boat.

Pete fell off.

Who was left??

Repeat.

Pete and Repeat were on a boat.

Pete fell off.

Who was left??

Repeat.

Pete and Repeat were on a boat.

Pete fell off.

Who was left??

Repeat.

:rofl:

Frosty355

03-08-2006, 05:31 PM

A man running a whore house was short a few ladies short for the busy Friday night. In an effort to not make any of his patrons wait he decided to unscrew the light in room 221 and put a blow up doll in the bed. The night was going very well until a 7 foot tall Man covered in muscles walks in the door walks up to the owners face and yells "I want a woman to 'please' me right now!!" Out of fear he tell the man that he has just what he needs waiting in the bed in room 221 for him. Now, thinking about what he just said he try's to detour the man by telling him that the lights are burned out in that room. The big fellow is already halfway up the stairs and yells down to the owner "I Don't Care!!!". The owner of the house is already sweating when he hears the door to the room slam shut and starts to plan his excuse or maybe if he can out run the monster of a man. Just then the owner sees the man walking slowly back down the stairs looking very sad. This was not the expression he thought the man would have, so he asks the man if everything when okay? The Huge man says on his way out the door "Yeah, well no. The same thing happened with my girlfriend last night... I jumped on the bed, bit her on the boob she farted and jumped out the window".

I win for the longest joke!

Stu_Gotti

03-08-2006, 05:36 PM

Go read the parrot then.. I win :)

atodak

03-08-2006, 05:38 PM

What did the gerbils say when two ___ men entered the store........

ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF!

Frosty355

03-08-2006, 05:41 PM

Go read the parrot then.. I win :)
You can't count spaces you cheater! :P ( that was a good one though)

Stu_Gotti

03-08-2006, 05:41 PM

:ponder: I dont know if I get this one yet..

Frosty355

03-08-2006, 05:43 PM

The Post asks for bad jokes "bad jokes"

Stu_Gotti

03-08-2006, 05:44 PM

:doh: Well thats why I failed the "Are you dumb" post that I did.. :lol:

atodak

03-08-2006, 06:20 PM

Why don't chinese people get bitten by cats or dogs............

*nevermind* :rofl:

Stu_Gotti

03-08-2006, 06:28 PM

:shock: Bah.. :lol:

jct

03-08-2006, 11:54 PM

xA_Factor

03-09-2006, 12:02 AM

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her suitcase.

HIM: "What are you doing?"

HER: "I'm moving to Nevada."

HIM: "Why?"

HER: "Because I just found out I can get $200 a pop for what I give you for free."

He then starts to pack his suitcase.

HER: "What are you doing?"

HIM: "I'm going with you."

HER: "Why?"

HIM: "Because I want to see you live off $400 a year."

surfcity40

03-09-2006, 12:48 AM

what do you call a black guy who can fly a plane?

a pilot ya freakin' racist bastage.

THansenite

03-09-2006, 03:59 AM

What did the gerbils say when two ___ men entered the store........

ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF!
OMG!!! :shock: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

ProshopXB

03-10-2006, 12:03 AM

Didnt bother to read them all hope this one isnt already been said. What do you call a box full of lesbians?

A liquor cabinet........ You said BAD jokes

surfcity40

03-10-2006, 01:15 AM

so this baby harp seal walks into a club....

Scott17

03-10-2006, 01:44 AM

What's the difference between an anal thermometer and an oral thermometer?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The taste! :doh:

skrewCYCO

03-10-2006, 02:00 AM

FATHER: "Hey son I went to see my ear doctor... He said i need a hearing aid."

SON: "So... how much are those."

FATHER: "This morning."

--- you asked for it --- :silly: :lalala:

Chillaxin206

03-10-2006, 05:45 PM

Twins
Friday, March 3, 2006

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers. The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I >was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."

Got a joke for us? Click here to e-mail it.

Copyright © 2003-2006 Clear Channel. All rights reserved.

Chillaxin206

03-10-2006, 05:48 PM

I think that last one was pretty good actually.....so here's a bad one..

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who could not control her pupils?

captainlaziness

03-11-2006, 02:58 AM

what do you call a black guy who can fly a plane?

a pilot ya freakin' racist bastage.
Made me remember this one:

What do you call a hispanic man mowing a lawn in front of a nice house?

A homeowner you effing racist.

EXPERIENCE

03-11-2006, 03:34 AM

FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a fishin boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shirt.

gjpjr84

03-11-2006, 03:47 AM

A old woman comes up to a young guy with a sad look upon his face.

"whats wrong?" She askes

"Well," he replys "I cannot beleive this thread has gotten to FOUR pages!"

EXPERIENCE

03-11-2006, 10:01 PM

Jokes?
check out this site
http://www.zooass.com/jokes/

Basstrack17

03-11-2006, 10:14 PM

fill in the blank:

Pranksters on Halloween often leave a flaming bag of ____ on your porch.
Is it:
A) Honda SI
B) Poo
C) Honda SI
D) All the above

I know, teasing Honda luvers isn't that funny; but watching them get oh so riled up sure can be...

jct

03-13-2006, 10:16 PM

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too bleeping stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

Basstrack17

03-14-2006, 12:32 AM

yeah, tough sometimes to swallow your words in the old "customer is always right" era we live/work in....
good one

lunchbx05

03-14-2006, 12:37 AM

if a women with big boobs works at hooters, where does a one legged women work at..........IHOP

jct

03-14-2006, 01:12 AM

if a women with big boobs works at hooters, where does a one legged women work at..........IHOP

HAHAHA ihop now thats a classic!!! :rofl:

THansenite

03-14-2006, 07:30 PM

if a women with big boobs works at hooters, where does a one legged women work at..........IHOP

LOL, i heard that one from my grandpa a couple of months ago....that one is great.

jct

03-14-2006, 10:37 PM

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for
swimming, so he
fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple
and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast...

chrischoi

03-15-2006, 02:05 PM

knock knock

matt_a

03-15-2006, 02:22 PM

who's there?

THansenite

03-15-2006, 04:11 PM

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

THansenite

03-15-2006, 04:14 PM

A farmer had 3 lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday night.
One by one the local boys came by to pick them up.

The first boy arrived and said:
Hi, I’m Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re going steady, is she ready?
The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.

The second boy arrived and said:
Hi, I’m Joe, I’m here for Flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?
The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way.

The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the door and said:
Hi, I’m Chuck... Before he could finish the farmer shot him.

skrewCYCO

03-15-2006, 09:38 PM

Frosty355

03-15-2006, 09:41 PM

skrewCYCO

03-15-2006, 09:49 PM

jct

03-15-2006, 10:02 PM

Why I fired my secretary . . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that
morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.

My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the
office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss,
Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had
remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You
know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go
out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest
thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined
instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and
I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the
office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to
my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you
don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right
back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of
my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked

skrewCYCO

03-15-2006, 10:14 PM

:shock:

TheScionicMan

03-15-2006, 11:25 PM

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

The wedding wasn't bad but the reception was GREAT!

Scott17

03-16-2006, 02:27 AM

Whats got 8 tits and 14 teeth?------------------Night shift at the Waffle House!

Basstrack17

03-16-2006, 02:33 AM

looking thru some old ( 80's ) pix, i came across this one of my old Vega ( sorry if i copied it here wrong--1st time ).

I can no longer make fun of today's youth running around with fart can mufflers on their beaters......
See the "Thrush" sticker on side window? Yep, i was one of the originals doing just that.... and I sure thought it sounded cool..... man, joke's on me...

http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e306/basstrack17/vega.jpg

atodak

03-16-2006, 11:49 AM

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him
that she is staying home because she's not feeling
well.

"What's the matter?", he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak
voice.

"What in the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"Well, I just can't see my ___ coming to work
today. "

Basstrack17

03-16-2006, 04:07 PM

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is ! shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the
man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.

" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,
"Ribbit KissMe."
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,

your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

nds_CARnivore

03-16-2006, 05:25 PM

Why don't lobsters share?

they're shellfish.

nds_CARnivore

03-16-2006, 05:27 PM

to combine this thread with the deadhead thread:

Where do you hide something froma Deadhead?

Under the soap.

What does a Deadhead say when he runs outta drugs?

"What's that terrible sound?"

nds_CARnivore

03-16-2006, 05:29 PM

What vegitable HAVE to have big weddings?

cantalope.

xSTANDxSTRONGx

03-17-2006, 01:52 AM

how do you make a Hippopotomus(sp?) shake?

2 scoops of Ice Cream

1 Can of Root beer

and a hippopotomus.

two men walk into a bar, you'ld think the second one would have seen it coming.

Chillaxin206

03-17-2006, 07:43 PM

Two Priests
Friday, March 10, 2006

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests., "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter., "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

Got a joke for us? Click here to e-mail it.

Copyright © 2003-2006 Clear Channel. All rights reserved.

tC9o9

03-17-2006, 07:49 PM

What did the blind, deaf and dumb parapalegic kid get for christmas?

Cancer

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

that is the most unsensitive joke ever.. i laughed my asss off, but its not funny, just plain mean :rofl:

Chillaxin206

03-17-2006, 08:43 PM

lol...wth?!?!?!?!!?

jct

03-17-2006, 10:14 PM

Subject: FW: Nutrition---This is good!

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the earth and populated
the
Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And
Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some
sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
that
Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat
and
sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to
size
18.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island
Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in
which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained
more
weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food
Cake," and
said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's
Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those
extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
would not
have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried
before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with
nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy
center into chips and deep -fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still
satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent
double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied,
"Yes!
And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into
cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created
HMOs.

surfcity40

03-20-2006, 12:08 AM

A lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to get undressed and wait for him. When the doctor comes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror.
He is the doctor so she gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he pulls away and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.
The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.
He tells her that she needs to quit drinking liquids before she goes to bed.
The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.
He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

Two southern hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls 911. He gasps: "I think my friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy comes back on the phone and asks, "OK, now what?"

Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."
There's a pause...
The second Arab says wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

Q: What's 40 feet long, and smells like p?
A: A conga line at an old folks home.

A jewish boy goes up to his dad and asks for a dollar. The dad replies, "Fifty cents?, what do you want a quarter for?"

xSTANDxSTRONGx

03-20-2006, 05:27 PM

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the

birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,

"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.

It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

xSTANDxSTRONGx

03-20-2006, 05:32 PM

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals."You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but

please do not eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I am satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their

heads "no".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others , "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader said to the guilty person. "For four weeks we have been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOOOOO, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!

xlr8tC

03-20-2006, 05:39 PM

The boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision... they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning witha horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra looks up, contemplates her situation, then replies, "Could you jack off?" as she turns away. "I feel like sh#t this morning."

xSTANDxSTRONGx

03-20-2006, 06:01 PM

Retired folks are frequently asked what they do to make their days
interesting. This was how one senior responded:

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5
minutes, yet when I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking
ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a
Senior a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket, so I called him a
name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
worn
tires. So I called him a worse name! He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then he began writing a third
ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I verbally abused
him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. This one with
all the tickets had a "BUSH IN '04" bumper sticker on it.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's
important at our age.

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy,"She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy,"she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

atodak

03-22-2006, 07:11 PM

Dwight Gooden was in court yesterday. When he was asked by the prosecution to explain in detail how he beat his wife.....He replied, " Gooden hard"

scholarbb

03-23-2006, 01:22 PM

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.

He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint He looks up and says, "Hey, MONKEY!" The monkey looks down and says, "SHIIIIIIITTTTT, Dude....how much water did you drink?

Brent_23M

03-23-2006, 02:17 PM

LMFAO^^^^

Prock2305

03-23-2006, 02:20 PM

My doctor said I need to get a new butt.....cause mines got a crack in it!

atodak

03-23-2006, 02:57 PM

Why are sperm shaped like tadpoles.................

Cuz hookers can't swallow frogs

THansenite

03-23-2006, 02:59 PM

^^^ LMAO

Peter_Rabbit

03-23-2006, 03:49 PM

Lenny & Bert go on a hunting trip when Lenny gets bit on the penis by a rattle snake.
Bert runs to the nearest emergency phone and calls 911. The Dr. tells him he must
suck the venom out of his friend. Bert runs back to Lenny and says
Dude, your gonna die.

Prock2305

03-23-2006, 04:22 PM

whats the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

One wont cum on your face until you're 14!

jct

03-24-2006, 09:34 PM

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

xlr8tC

03-27-2006, 08:11 PM

This guy is standing on a roof ledge and is contemplating his life.

A moment later he jumps and screams"I'VE NEVER FINISHED ANYTHING IN MY LI----" and BAM, he gets hit by a bus.

bbcrud

03-27-2006, 08:46 PM

Q: How do you make a Civic owner cry?

A: Park your tC next to them.

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon that hung himself?

Q: How many Ethiopians can you get into a phone booth?

A: All of them.

bbcrud

03-27-2006, 08:49 PM

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.....

:rofl:

emiller

03-27-2006, 09:33 PM

A blonde, bruentte, and a red head are all pregnant go to the doctor to find out what their babies will be. The bruentte comes out and said Im having a girl it must be because I like being on the bottom. The red head it like Im having a boy. I guess its cause Im always on top. The blonde starts crying. Whats wrong they ask? I dont wanna have puppies cries the blonde.

xlr8tC

03-31-2006, 08:28 PM

What's the difference between a musician and a 16 inch pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

this joke works for any art, but since i have been a musician....

Hot06tC

03-31-2006, 08:42 PM

06CStC

04-03-2006, 04:05 AM

Two atoms come out of a bar,
atom 1: "wait, i left an electron back in the bar"
atom 2: "are you sure"
atom 1: "I"m positive"
________
Mflb (http://vaporizer.org/reviews/magic-flight-launch-box)

xlr8tC

04-03-2006, 10:43 AM

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic because the engine is smoking. The mechanic says come back in 3 hours and I'll take a look under the hood and tell ya what's wrong. The penguin figures he's got a little time and goes over to the ice cream parlor across the street.
The penguin loves ice cream and can't eat it fast enough. When he's done, his face has ice cream all over it. he looks down at his watch, still wiping ice cream from his face and sees that it's time to check on his car. He walks over to the mechanic and asks what's wrong with the car.
The mechanic looks at him and says"Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says"No, that's just ice cream."

jct

04-06-2006, 09:57 PM

What You Need To Believe To Be A Republican:

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals, Arabs, and
Hillary
Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
daddy
made war on him, a good guy when Cheney and Rumsfeld did business with
him,
and a bad guy when Bush couldn't find Bin Laden.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade
with
China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest
national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without
regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches,
while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle and antagonize our
long-time
allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing
health
care to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at
heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable
offense, but
a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is
solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning ___ marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George
Bush's and Dick Cheney's driving records are none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for
your recovery.

Supporting "Executive Privilege" is imperative for every Republican
ever
born, who will be born or who might be born in perpetuity.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but
what
Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

There's nothing wrong with supporting drunken hunters who shoot their
friends and blaming the friends for looking too much like quail.

Feel free to pass this on. If you don't send it to at least 10 other
people,
we're likely to be stuck with more Republicans in '06 and '08. Friends
don't
let friends vote Republican.

Brent_23M

04-06-2006, 10:08 PM

your useing other peoples actions do define a democratic partys beliefs?

the thread was "post ur bad jokes" -not "post your prejudice, ignorant thoughts"

a lot of great leaders are republican, and without mixed beliefs you cant have democracy

jeffrgunn23

04-06-2006, 10:52 PM

A girl comes home from her first semester of college and her conserviative father finds out that his daughter has joined the democratic party. He sits her down one night and asks her how school is going and she tells them that although she wishes she had more time for enjoying the college experiance like going to parties she has a 4.0 GPA. He then asks about her friend Amy who goes went to highschool with her and now attends the same college. She says that Amy is having a great time goes to all the parties and never studies, because of this though her GPA is only 2.0. Dad asks his daughter, why don't you go to the dean and ask if he will split your GPA's that way you both have a 3.0. The mans daughter asked why would I do that? I worked hard for my 4.0 I missed a ton of parties by staying in and studying hard, why would I want to split my GPA with her? Dad looks at his daughter and says welcome to the Republican Party.

emiller

04-06-2006, 10:53 PM

its a joke. it just shows that people are hypocrites and tend to overreact.

valhalla

04-07-2006, 12:55 AM

What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?
They both have a 1 in a million chance of becoming a human being.

valhalla

04-07-2006, 01:02 AM

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has an embarassing problem.
The doctor tells him that he's seen it all and just go ahead and say what it is.
The man pulls down his pants and bends over and there is a piece of lettuce hanging from his butt.
The doctor says " That's not that big of a deal.
And the man says " But doc, that's only the tip of the iceberg!

xSTANDxSTRONGx

04-07-2006, 01:05 AM

Last night a psychic midget broke out of prison, the headline today:

Small Medium at Large!

xlr8tC

04-07-2006, 01:40 AM

oh, oh that one reminds me....

a psychiatric patient escapes from an institution and rapes a nurse during the escape. the headline the next day reads, "Nut, Screws and Bolts"

captainlaziness

04-07-2006, 02:36 AM

And the man says " But doc, that's only the tip of the iceberg!
:rofl:
I peed my pants a little...
:rofl:

Scott17

04-07-2006, 03:01 AM

xSTANDxSTRONGx

04-08-2006, 01:49 AM

jct

04-08-2006, 02:42 AM

A pirate walks into a bar with a Toyota steering wheel down the front of his pants. The bar tender says," Doesn't that bother you, having a steering wheel down the front of your pants?"
The pirate says
"Yaris driving me nuts!"

sorry you can't have your loading time back.

now this one wins the bad joke of the week!!! ends this saturday at 11:59pm hahaha

B1uEsC1uEs

04-08-2006, 06:21 PM

Yo mama is so dumb when she asked me "what does yield mean?" and I said "slow down" then she said "What... Does... Yield... Mean?"

xSTANDxSTRONGx

04-08-2006, 11:38 PM

jct

04-25-2006, 11:40 PM

did you hear about the dyslexic Satan worshipper

he sold his soul to santa

surfcity40

04-26-2006, 04:15 AM

did you hear about the dyslexic Satan worshipper....
he sold his soul to santa

or the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? he stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

atodak

04-26-2006, 11:56 AM

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it
overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of
the
blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't
you
put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is
driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you wold've put a rubber
at
the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be riding the bus".

atodak

04-26-2006, 11:59 AM

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After
sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely
quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before
you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are
blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

konsumer

04-28-2006, 08:25 PM

cherryBox

04-28-2006, 09:57 PM

cherryBox

04-28-2006, 09:59 PM

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "you know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with '___'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he want for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat a$$ it won't be Cheerios."

jct

04-28-2006, 10:33 PM

hahaha

xSTANDxSTRONGx

04-29-2006, 11:10 PM

2 germans, Hans and Frans are mountain climbing with their Mother. About half way up the mountain, one falls off and the othe calls up, "Mother, mother look, no Hans!"

jct

04-30-2006, 03:04 AM

:rofl:

Brent_23M

05-11-2006, 10:34 PM

*bump*

...make me laugh b4 i die of boredm please!

jct

05-12-2006, 12:03 AM

did you hear about the guy who missed his mother 'n' law

he's reloading

Brent_23M

05-12-2006, 12:26 AM

haha, thanks

jct

06-12-2006, 09:40 PM

Mama Mole, Papa Mole, and Baby Mole all live in a little hole. One morning Papa Mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
Then Mama Mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, "Yum! I smell strawberry jam!"
Then Baby Mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but he can't because Mama and Papa Mole are both in the way.
He whines, "Jeez, all I can smell is molasses!"

xlr8tC

06-14-2006, 05:16 PM

k, so....
two guys stumble across this lamp on the beach. they're both brushing off the sand when a genie pops out of the lamp.
the genie says that he can grant only three wishes, to the first man, but will double whatever he wishes for to the second man.
the first man agrees to this, and the second man is extremely excited.
first man: I wish for a billion dollars.
genie: As you wish, but your friend will recieve twice as much.
first man: That's fine. For my second wish, i want to have a mansion in every resort town in the world.
genie: Done. And your friend has two on either side of each of them.
first man: That's fine. And for my last wish, i want you to beat me half to death.

Brent_23M

06-14-2006, 05:21 PM

yessss, by far my fav thread on here, keep it alive!

xSTANDxSTRONGx

06-16-2006, 01:32 AM

A polar bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What'll it be?" The polar bear says "I'll have a.........Beer."
Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"
The polar bear waves his hands and says

"I've had'em all my life."

xlr8tC

06-16-2006, 05:17 PM

there once was this artist/architect/mason that was an absolute perfectionist. one day the queen of the land decides she wants a palace made entirely of glass. being very beutiful, she wanted to share her beauty with the rest of the world. she decides to hire this artist/architect/mason to build it for her. the architect decides that the best way to go about building this palace is by using glass tiles. after a few months the architect is almost finished. he has calculated the exact number of tiles and is down to the last one. he looks around for the spot that the tile goes in and cannot find it. he starts running back and forth through the palace. about an hour later he stops at the entrance, infuriated, and throws the tile way up in the air.

Brent_23M

06-16-2006, 05:36 PM

wtf^^

xlr8tC

06-16-2006, 05:55 PM

there's this lady on a plane with her poodle. she's holding it in her lap. a gentleman in the seat in front of her lights a cigar. being that this is an international flight, smoking is allowed on this flight. nevertheless, her dog doesn't like the smell of smoke and she asks him to put it out. he turns and says something like 'over his dead body.' the poodle starts to growl at the man at this point. the lady, again asks the man to kindly put the cigar out or something bad may happen. he flatly refuses. the next thing you know, the poodle hops over the seat and bites the cigar out of the man's mouth. well, the flight attendants separate the poodle and cigar and return them to their respective owners along with a warning. just as soon as the dog gets back to its seat, it jumps over the chair again and pulls the cigar out of the man's mouth with his teeth. the attendants separate them again and say that if it happens again, they will have to throw the dog and cigar out of the airplane. well, just as soon as the dog get's in it's seat.... of course it jumps up and snatches the cigar from the man. the flight attendants grab the dog and the cigar and throw them out of the airplane, despite the pleading of the man and woman. about an hour later, they land and, miraculously the dog is sitting on the wing. and guess what was in his mouth.

the glass tile from my last joke.

Brent_23M

06-16-2006, 06:40 PM

W.....T.....F ????

jct

06-16-2006, 10:59 PM

:rofl: hahahahaha

i so didn't see that coming!!!

hahahaha

btw that aint a bad joke

Brent_23M

06-16-2006, 11:25 PM

worst joke ever

kloquewerk

06-17-2006, 09:09 AM

^wasn't that what this thread is all about? lol

jct

06-17-2006, 10:37 PM

^ werd!!! haha

jct

06-20-2006, 12:09 AM

God & St. Francis

GOD: Frank, you know about gardens and nature; what
in the world is going on down there in the U.S.? What happened to
the dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I
had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.
Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought, and
multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts
butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a
garden
of color by now. All I see are green patches.

St. Francis: The tribes that settled there, Lord, are called the
Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and killed
them, replacing with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it is so boring, and not colorful, doesn't
attract butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental with temperatures. Do the Suburbanites really want grass growing
there?

St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little,
they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put
it in bags.

GOD: Why bag it? Is it a cash crop to sell?

St. Francis: No sir, they pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now let me get this straight; they fertilize it to make it
grow and when it grows, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved when summer comes, we
cut back on rain and turn up the heat, slowing the growth saves them
work.

St. Francis: You aren't going to believe this Lord, but when the
grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses, pay money to water it
so they can keep mowing it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That
was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow
leaves in the spring, providing beauty and shade in the summer, in autumn
they fall to the ground to form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the
soil, protecting trees and bushes. As they rot, the leaves become
compost to enhance the soil, a natural circle of life.

St. Francis: You'd better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves
fall, Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them
hauled away.

GOD: No way! What do they do to protect shrubs and tree roots in
winter to keep soil moist and loose?

St. Francis: After throwing the leaves away, they go out and buy
something called mulch, bring home and spread it around in place of
leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint
Catherine, you're in charge of arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
tonight?

St. Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid
movie about...

GOD: Never mind-I think I just heard the whole story from Saint
Francis!

xlr8tC

06-21-2006, 08:24 PM

here's one of my worst.

a guy with no arms is going town to town looking for work. he comes across this church with a sign that reads 'bell ringer wanted'. well, the guy gets all excited and rushes into the church to talk to the priest. When he finds the priest, he asks if he could fill the position. the priest says "well, how do you plan to do that, you have no arms." He replies"just let me show you. lets go up to the bell tower and i'll show you." the priest agrees and they go up to the top of the bell tower. once there, the guy steps back runs full speed at the bell and GOOOOONNNNGGGG, smacks the bell with his face. the guy staggers around a bit and swears he's fine. he steps back again and runs face first into the bell, GOOOOOONNNNG, again. the priest, a little concerned says" maybe this isn't such a good idea, lets get down from...". "Nonsense, I'm fine. one more and i'll quit."says the man. he steps back, runs full force into the bell, GOOOOOONNNNNGGG, staggers heavily and falls out of the bell tower. later that night, the coroner is there and he turns to the priest and says"priest, do you know this guy?" the priest says" no, but his face rings a bell."

if you like that one, i've got another.

Brent_23M

06-21-2006, 08:30 PM

xlr8tC

06-21-2006, 08:47 PM

so, at the bell ringer's funeral, his family shows up. apparently, this no arm thing is genetic. his entire family has no arms. well, right when they get there, his brother walks up to the priest and says"priest, i have to ring the bell for my brother." the priest says" no. no way, we've already had one accident. no." "but I have to. it's my brother's funeral. just let me ring the bell once." the priest finally agrees and they go up to the bell tower. the young man steps back, runs full force at the bell, GOOOONNNNGGG, and hits it face first. He staggers around a moment and then falls out of the tower. later that night, the coroner shows up and he asks the priest" priest, did you know this guy?" the priest replies" no, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

and those are the two longest, most ungratifying jokes i know. and now you know them too. good luck living with that.

Brent_23M

06-21-2006, 10:44 PM

eh, the "his face rings a bell joke" isnt too hurtfull

kloquewerk

06-22-2006, 05:20 AM

that was actually pretty damn funny

cherryBox

06-28-2006, 05:10 PM

A lady bought a new Lexus. It cost a bundle.
Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.
"Madam", said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"
She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused.
She looked at the radio and said "Nelson."
The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?"
Soon, she was traveling down the highway to the sounds of "On The Road Again."
The lady was astounded. If she wanted Bach or Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
At a traffic light, her light turned green and she pulled out.
Just then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a SUV speeding toward her!
She swerved and narrowly missed having a terrible collision.
"Stupid Idiot", she muttered.

And, from the radio...
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States of America, George W. Bush."

jct

06-28-2006, 09:49 PM

hahahaha

Scott17

06-29-2006, 03:10 AM

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

surfcity40

06-29-2006, 04:35 AM

a man and his wife tried forever to have a child without success. the woman enlisted the help of an herbalist who encouraged her to ingest several different unfamiliar herbs that he professed would guarantee pregnancy. low and behold she became pregnant.
the child is born but there was a significant problem. he was pretty much just a head with some loose flesh underneath.
his parents tried and bring him up normally and they would set him in front of the window daily and he watched the world outside.
as he became a young man he became increasingly depressed and his parents thought he may be becoming suicidal so they decided to throw a party for him to try and lift his spirits.
they went into his room and announced, "son, we have a wonderful surprise for you".
he replied, "let me guess, another hat".

xlr8tC

06-29-2006, 11:39 AM

A woman went to the Pharmacy & asked the Pharmacist for cyanide. The Pharmacist asked "Why in the world would you need cyanide", to which she replied "To kill my husband!" The Pharmacist said "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! It is against the law, I would lose my license and they would throw us both in jail!" "Why would you want to do a terrible thing like that?"

The woman opened her purse, pulled out a picture of her husband, who was in bed with the Pharmacist's wife. The Pharmacist said "Well, you didn't say you had a Prescription!"

jct

06-30-2006, 02:03 AM

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling:

David616

07-01-2006, 06:15 PM

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that _____ knows I'm smarter than her.

Brent_23M

07-01-2006, 06:36 PM

David616

07-01-2006, 06:42 PM

http://artwc.org/Billie2/0609FUNNIES/1.jpg

Serialk1llr

07-01-2006, 06:49 PM

Why do vampires drink blood? Because rootbeer make him burp!

jct

07-02-2006, 01:41 PM

How do you make a little box?

With little boards.

jct

07-05-2006, 09:38 PM

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding
anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving
couple". The local
newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy
marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,"
explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip
down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my
wife's
horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse
and quietly said, "That's once." We
proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing
her to drop her water bottle.

Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice".
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled
for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and
shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman!
Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once".
And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after

jct

07-06-2006, 12:37 AM

why does a chicken coupe have 2 doors????

if it had four doors it would be called chicken sedan...

xSTANDxSTRONGx

07-06-2006, 06:41 AM

I thought this thread was called post your bad jokes here, whats with all the funny ones?

jct

07-06-2006, 11:11 AM

I thought this thread was called post your bad jokes here, whats with all the funny ones?

some finds 'em bad, some finds 'em good

it just all depends on how you look at it...

xSTANDxSTRONGx

07-06-2006, 09:47 PM

I love that donkey joke!

xSTANDxSTRONGx

07-06-2006, 09:54 PM

A guy walks into a bar and says "ouch"

Two guys walk into a bar, You'd think the second would have: Seen it coming/ Ducked/ Gone around

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender says "Hey, that's pretty neat, where'd you get it" The parrot says "In Africa, there's millions of 'em there." (Hey, the thread's called "...Bad Jokes..." right?)

xSTANDxSTRONGx

07-06-2006, 10:07 PM

What do you call an Middle Eastern guy flying a plane?

(Guess before you get to the end.)

NO! A pilot you racist! :rofl:

didnt see that commin did ya?

xlr8tC

07-07-2006, 01:51 PM

jct

07-07-2006, 11:44 PM

i don't get it

jct

07-15-2006, 01:03 AM

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes.

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did.... "

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

surfcity40

07-15-2006, 02:34 AM

a wealthy older guy is having dinner with his wife at a nice restaurant when a young hottie comes over to the table, says hello to him and kisses him on the cheek and walks away. the wife asks who it was. the guy admits that she was his mistress.

the wife goes off on him and threatens to divorce him if he won't give her up. he responds, "fine, but remember that we have a prenuptual agreement which protects my assets with no provisions regarding being faithful". he reminds her she will lose access to the cabin in aspen, the penthouse in NY and the beachfront in malibu and all of the other benefits of wealth.

just then, another of his wealthy friends enters the restaurant with a young woman on his arm and they wave to one another. the wife asks, "who is that with william?" the husband responds, "that's HIS mistress." his wife thinks for a minute and says....
"oh, ours is much cuter".

uberscionofglendale

07-15-2006, 04:37 PM

greatest thread...ever.

How do you get an elephant to tie a bow tie? you take the letter F out of the word way.

edit..
so i'm at work relaying these jokes to the other salesman, and we've come up with a new rule for the jokes where you have to give a response...like the one i just posted. you have to answer within 3 secs, or you don't get to know the punch line. i swear half the people i told the middle eastern pilot joke to, just stood there thinking, so they wouldn't look racist. you can't over think it...it's a joke dammit :P

xSTANDxSTRONGx

07-16-2006, 06:26 AM

dachmo

07-18-2006, 04:54 PM

I know this joke is stolen from the last page....but my ending is better... lol

A lady bought a new Lexus. It cost a bundle.
Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.
"Madam", said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"
She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused.
She looked at the radio and said "Nelson."
The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?"
Soon, she was traveling down the highway to the sounds of "On The Road Again."
The lady was astounded. If she wanted Bach or Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
At a traffic light, her light turned green and she pulled out.
Just then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw two young boys run into the intersection!
She swerved and narrowly missed them.
She yelled out the window, "Fu@!ing Kids!"

And the radio started playing.....

Michael Jackson

SF2K4

07-18-2006, 06:06 PM

A penguin walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and asks, "Hey, you seen my brother?" The bartender looks at him and says, "I don't know... what's he look like?"

SF2K4

07-18-2006, 06:10 PM

here's one. a bit offensive, but....

if you had a race between 2 lesbians and 2 ___ guys, who would win?

the lesbians. while the ___ guys are back home packing their crap, the lesbians are doing 69 all the way....

that's probably one of the worst ones i know.

Or the punchline the way I know it is:

The lesbians, 'cause the guys are just pokin' around but the lesbians get their lickity split. :rofl:

jct

07-19-2006, 12:37 AM

Scott17

07-19-2006, 11:12 PM

Posted 23 August 2003 06:46
I know I posted this before but here it is again

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

"Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said, "Now get on your knees".

She did.

"Now take down my zipper".

She did.

Now go ahead ...take it out..." he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands... then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well .. go ahead".

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it...and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...

"Hello, mom, can you hear me?"

2tone_xB

07-19-2006, 11:19 PM

what's Bruce Lee's favorite beverage?

watahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

:doh:

gjpjr84

07-19-2006, 11:21 PM

What kinda underwear does superman wear?

Chuck Norris underwear.

xSTANDxSTRONGx

07-19-2006, 11:23 PM

:clap: :rofl: :clap: :rofl: :clap: :rofl: :clap: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

*This was for the blond joke, but it works for all of the last three.

SylentAngel

07-20-2006, 07:42 AM

*DEAD* omg @ the blond one

legionscion

07-20-2006, 09:49 AM

well i think this is funny :rofl:

http://www.killsometime.com/video/video.asp?ID=366

boomster

07-20-2006, 12:59 PM

You said dirty jokes, so here is one of the worst!!!!!!

`~~~~~~~~~~~EDITED FOR EVERYONES SAKE!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

jct

07-20-2006, 10:33 PM

now thats just nasty

amanda776

07-21-2006, 08:41 AM

ewwwwwwwwwww

SylentAngel

07-21-2006, 09:39 AM

eww wtf

boomster

07-21-2006, 11:25 AM

I told you! Im sorry for that! :relief:

xlr8tC

07-21-2006, 11:43 AM

Great, now i have to clean the vomit off my keyboard and desk.

ricktoyota73

07-21-2006, 07:06 PM

A Chinese guy goes to the eye doctor and the doctor tells him he has a cataract.

The Chinese guy says, "No...I have a Rincoln Continental."

RoswellScion

07-21-2006, 07:22 PM

Two guys walk into a bar. Third one ducks and hits a no ducks allowed sign.

rwf

07-21-2006, 08:24 PM

hey boomster i didnt get to read that joke! pm it to me plz~

jct

07-21-2006, 09:42 PM

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

If you do not know, see answer below.

Get your drunk rear end off the merry-go-round!

xSTANDxSTRONGx

07-22-2006, 05:25 AM

RACIST JOKE

What is the worst thing you can call a black guy that starts with "N" and ends in "R"?

Neighbor

jct

07-22-2006, 06:17 PM

^^^ at least that one is way cleaner then the last few jokes there was!!!

xSTANDxSTRONGx

07-22-2006, 07:53 PM

and I just want to make clear, that I don't feel this way.

ricktoyota73

07-24-2006, 11:50 AM

ricktoyota73

07-24-2006, 11:51 AM

RACIST JOKE

What is the worst thing you can call a black guy that starts with "N" and ends in "R"?

Neighbor

I know it' just wrong but still... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

boomster

07-24-2006, 12:13 PM

RACIST JOKE

What is the worst thing you can call a black guy that starts with "N" and ends in "R"?

Neighbor

Im not racist, but the jokes never get old! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

uberscionofglendale

08-10-2006, 06:28 PM

bump?

TougetC

08-10-2006, 06:51 PM

three POWs in a jungle camp. the warden says he'll let them go free if they can go out into the jungle and pick out ten pieces of his favorite fruit. but he doesent tell them what it is. he says they have to figure it out. so they go off. the first one returns with an armfull of 10 apples. the warden says "not my favorite, but ill give you one more chance. if you can take these 10 apples up yer ___, without making so much as a whimper. your a free man" the prisoner agrees and bends over. 1 apple up, 2.., 3.. at the 4th apple he lets out a tinny whine and the warden shoots him in the head. the POW dies and goes to heaven. the second POW comes back with 10 blueberries. the warden says, "not my favorite." and offers him the same deal he gave the last guy. so he bends over..1 blueberry up, 2..,3..,4..at the 9th blueberry he lets out a giggle. the warden shoots him in the head. he dies and goes to heaven. in heaven he sees the first POW, who says to him "Man, i was watching you, you almost made it!! why did you have to giggle!?" the second POW replies "I couldnt help it, i looked up and saw the third guy running in with 10 Pineapples!!"

xSTANDxSTRONGx

08-10-2006, 08:02 PM

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

jct

08-10-2006, 08:55 PM

my thread LIVES!!!!

best joke i've read in a long time!!!

zereaux

08-11-2006, 03:51 PM

There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems, One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.

They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.

Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"

"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."

rwf

08-11-2006, 05:39 PM

^^ that joke was so bad that i couldnt stop laughing

TougetC

08-11-2006, 06:39 PM

wow, just when you think you reached a plateu in the bad joke world, someone comes along and raises the bar to new heights of badness. :rofl: truly suited for this post, and thanks for keeping it going..........

...............gawd that was awful! :rofl: :rofl:

I-Fly-High

08-11-2006, 11:13 PM

Man I loves this thread and I can finnaly post in it so here it goes:

Their was a statue of a Boy and Girl in the middle of central park and a Ferrie came down, brought them to life and said they can expirience life but only for thirty minutes.
So in an excited rush they run behind the bushies and sart breathing heavy and the bushies start to rattle. After fifteen minutes they came out covered in sweat and breathing heavy. So the Ferrie giggles and tells them they still have Fifteen minutes if they want to give, what ever it is they were doing another try.

So the girl turns to the boy and says ok so this time you hold the Piegon down while I Poop on its head! :rofl: :rofl: :doh: