Funny Story about a riced out civic
04-30-2005, 09:23 AM
#1
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Malibu, CA
Posts: 1,444
Funny Story about a riced out civic
(This isn't my story, I found this on craigslist.com )
This is a true story. I swear Im not making any of this up. ....and you may very well see the car and laugh your ___ off as well.
So Im a car enthusiast, and part time auto mechjanic who helps the neighbors out with thier cars. Hey, ive got a little knowledge, been doing this for a few years, and Ive got a great set of tools. I have a rather fast and rare early 70s hobby car that i take out on weekends, an oldsmobile 442.
So anyway. My neighbors kid turns 17, and the mother gives him her honda civic.
Say it out loud now with me. Honda civic.
Plastic and aluminum, 75 horsepower, basic commuter car, honda civic.
"perfect for a new driver, economical, easy to maintain and dependable a good basic car for junior," i thought to myself.
The first week was fine, he bought spinning hubcaps and a set of dragon seat covers for it. That should have been it. He should have left it alone.
The week after that, I walk out to my mailbox, and I almost called the cops. I thought I had just seen a UFO. as it slowly approached.....i could see it was a HONDA CIVIC.....with four different blinking colors of neon underneath it. Holy ****. I almost had a * siezure looking at this thing. Even the shifter **** was blinking.
.....Then about 48 hours later, Im laying in bed, about ready to **** my girlfriend when I hear BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ-owwww. BZZZZ-owww. over and over in the neighbors garage.
"Well this is an odd time of night for Mr. Richardson to be *around with his chainsaw." I thought out loud. After forty five minutes of this irritating buzzing, I thought Id go over and ask the neighbor to play with his chainsaw in the morning.
Here is the junior richardson boy, proudly revving his engine up and down. 4 more wannabe fake gangsta kids were standing around "tuning" his new exhaust.....which consisted of a rather small header and 4 coffee cans spray painted silver and the words "TYPE-R" stenciled on it.
Holy ****. I told him to pleae quit *with the car so I could sleep.
Wait, that is BY FAR not all.
The following week, he ask me if he can borrow a screwdriver and a hammer. He is installing his new "type r" rear spoiler. He was rather proud of it. He paid almost 600 dollars for it. I asked him where he was going to put it, since a honda civic does not have a trunk. "The roof, dawg" is what he told me.
This spoiuler looks like an aluminum picnic table that you would see in a public park, except for lots of rivets in it and the words "Type R" all over it.
I almost stopped him, but I wanted to see how *it would look.
I gleefully helped him install it. Yup, totally *. Classic.
He went on to explain to me that he needed it for all of the downforce he needed to maintain traction at supersonic speeds.
4 cylinders.
75 horsepower.
Downforce. Oh my god, what a *.
It gets better.
2 weeks later, he is asking to borrow my cordless drill.
He just bought a body kit, yo, and heeds to be down fo' shizzle wit da tool dawg to istall it, no wut hes sane, dawg?
Body kit. Pay attention. It gets good here.
So he drills all of the holes, double sided tape and screws this ************ to his car, and it REALLY is beginning to look like a space ship. or a an alien life form. Or a circus car. Well, circus, not yet. Thats coming.
heres the problem. The body kit is white. The car is dark green. It looks like a burrito vomit.....and the car is a full 4 inches wider, and 2 inches lower than it was before.
He cant get the doors to open or close properly, because the "body kit, yo" is catching the door jamb. So, always the helpful one, I give him my grinder. That was the coolest, watching this '*grind on his new 1200 dollar yo yo word up body kit. word. It was the flyest, dawg.
Circus act part 1.
Now, he decides he wants to "Lower the ride, dog."
I wouldnt let him use my tools, as I was afraid this dumb **** would blow himself up with what he wanted to do next.
He would cut the coils. dangerous. Unsafe. Stupid.
He succeeded in cutting the coils, but now his new body kit dawg was dragging on the ground. and, to top it all off, the car was bouncing up and down like a carnival ride, effectively ending his neon lighted glory. His type r exhaust was dragging on the ground as well.
You should see how *this *looks. A huge picnic table on the roof, 2 tone body kit, special kid tailights. blinking, broken neon, stickers all over it, buzzing like a chainsaw on crack, bouncing up and down like a clown car.
Wait, thats not all. now *wants a "syssem, yo." Oh yeah. He pieced together 6 different trashed car stereos, one home streo, and a kraagen auto parts special base speaker, and somehow wired the neon lights (whats left of them) to blink with the beat of the music.
....Except you cant hear the music. You can only hear the bass. ...And it rattles his rooftop spoiler and license plate frame.
Now its REALLY looking AND SOUNDING like a clown car.
Okay. Now for *carbon fiber paint job. He puts a hood scoop from an early 60s mustang on it, and its EMORMOUS. It kind of balanced out the *of the rear spoiler/picnic table.
Then out comes the spray cans. All 18 of them. First, he pulled off his spinning hubcaps, and painted the wheels BLACK. Flat black.
Then he painted the body kit dawg bright, neon yellow.
The rest of the car was painted bright red, with a purple fist turning into a dragon or some **** airbrushed on the doors.
Clown car complete? Not yet.
As I stated previously, I have experience with fast cars. He knows that I can make a car go fast. He comes over with a copy of "honda tuuner guy" magazine, filled with equally *looking cars.
He asks me: "Yo dawg, i wanna make dis here b18 goes fast and ****. I was thinkin of an acura V-tec swap or some NOSS"
So i asked him, what exactly do you intend to do with this car? Will you be entering it in the most *car contest, or what?
He says: "Naaw, cracka. That **** is be is funny and ****, but I is for reals, for reals. I need to be running in the 12s and making 350 horsepower"
So I asked him: Why dont you save your money and buy a car that already makes 350 horsepower, like a camaro or a GTO or something, instead of trying to make a car with 75 horsepower, that was never intended to go that fast any faster?
"dont be a foo, yo. Everybody knows dat ode skoo **** cant hang" he tells me.
Now Im ____ed. Insulted. I said: Lookit here, junior, i'll pull my olds cutlass out of the garage and make your **** look like it was going backwards. No noss, no turbo, no stickers and no body kit is gonna help you beat the "ODE SKOO" cars, DAWG. And the same goes for any of your other *car driving friends.
Ill have you and your homies wetting your pants with fear before we ever hit second gear. You have 6 grand worth of **** bolted onto a 1000 dollar car that was perfectly good when you got it, and now it looks, sounds and drives like ___. Get the **** out of my garage.
He looked like he was gonna cry.
He left with a solid "**** you dawg, ill beat your old man car with a 150 shot" and he left, trying to pull up his drawers and give me the finger at the same time.
Showdown.
Now I am a responsible adult, and I do not condonne street rascing. However, when faced with a direct insult, challenge, and **** you, amy man tends to be defensive enough to take a few risks.
Beautiful sunny day. First day Ive had my car out of the garage all winter. I check the fluids. I start the engine. I anticipate a crisp, lively jaunt at mind-bending speeds up the interstate.
I rev my engine, i sip my coffee.
*heard me revving my engine, and him and 2 of his friends do the same in the driveway. One is a New acura in the pre-clown car stages of molestation, and the other one is junior's moms civic. It sounds like a lawn mower race at the richardsons house. I crank my engine up to 3000 RPM and drown them out.
I climb in my car, check the guages, and idle out into the road.
I look in my rearview, and Im being followed by two bouncing, brightly colored bumping clown cars with backward hat *pointing in my direction.
I ignore them. Not worth my trouble. Im an adult.
*and *pass me when I hit the 680 on the left and the right.
Bzzz.
Gone. Good. I am halfway to livermore when they blast out of the on ramp and attempt to box me in. *is revving his engine and pointing forward , *is slowing me down in front of me.
**** it. Ive had enough.
I stuffed it down into third gear, opened all 455 cubic inches wide open, almost rear-ended *and swerved directly at *.
I broke the rear tires loose at 70 miles an hour, and *was busy downshifting trying to get enough speed up to catch me.
I dusted these little *so bad they simply dissappeared. I got off on the livermore exit and waited for them on the on ramp. Some of thier own game. Right back atcha homie.
I let them see me. Then I smoked the tires brutally and violently out of the ramp so that they would know I was ____ed and coming for them.
I knew the honda was slow, so i ignored him and brought it down right on the acuras bumper. I got within an inch of this terrified teenagers ___ and popped on the high beams and gunned the motor. I mashed the gas i n third and was threatening to bump him. 90, 100, 110....
he couldnt get away from me. he waved for me to pass. *was WAAAAY in the back.
The acura *was scared, and beaten and he knew it. I pulled alongside.
I motioned for him to roll down his window. I screamed and pointed. He backed way off.
I stuck my finger in the air and screamed **** you at acura *, and dumped it, quickly accelerating to 130 MPH until they couldnt see my tailights any more.
Later that evening, as I told my fiancee this story ("your a juvenile *******, you could have killed those kids and you are going to ____ off the neighbors")
I heard two chainsaws idle up very slowly to my house. Holy ****. Its a drive by. These *want to kill me.
A knock on the door.
I answer it, ready to beat some fake gangsta ___ if I have to.
They want to see my car now. "Do you have noss?, is it a hemi?"
*. get lost.
Clown car is still on the road, but now homie g wants to learn all about the "ode skoo"
If you see this car, put a sticker on it. He seems to like them, and thinks they make the car cooler. Then dust his ___ once for good measure.
You simply have to see this kids car to believe it. If your car looks *and its fast, cool. Then you can look a little *special and get away with it. But this thing looks like it was dropped off at the special education shop class and built by *, and it s not even quick.
In honor of dale "pimpdaddyhustla" richardson, class of 2006 and his clown car, I dedicate this to you. Let me take you for a ride once you feel you are man enough. I see you stepped up to the plate and lost big time. Im willing to help you install the noss and the v-tecs and let you try again.
This is a true story. I swear Im not making any of this up. ....and you may very well see the car and laugh your ___ off as well.
So Im a car enthusiast, and part time auto mechjanic who helps the neighbors out with thier cars. Hey, ive got a little knowledge, been doing this for a few years, and Ive got a great set of tools. I have a rather fast and rare early 70s hobby car that i take out on weekends, an oldsmobile 442.
So anyway. My neighbors kid turns 17, and the mother gives him her honda civic.
Say it out loud now with me. Honda civic.
Plastic and aluminum, 75 horsepower, basic commuter car, honda civic.
"perfect for a new driver, economical, easy to maintain and dependable a good basic car for junior," i thought to myself.
The first week was fine, he bought spinning hubcaps and a set of dragon seat covers for it. That should have been it. He should have left it alone.
The week after that, I walk out to my mailbox, and I almost called the cops. I thought I had just seen a UFO. as it slowly approached.....i could see it was a HONDA CIVIC.....with four different blinking colors of neon underneath it. Holy ****. I almost had a * siezure looking at this thing. Even the shifter **** was blinking.
.....Then about 48 hours later, Im laying in bed, about ready to **** my girlfriend when I hear BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ-owwww. BZZZZ-owww. over and over in the neighbors garage.
"Well this is an odd time of night for Mr. Richardson to be *around with his chainsaw." I thought out loud. After forty five minutes of this irritating buzzing, I thought Id go over and ask the neighbor to play with his chainsaw in the morning.
Here is the junior richardson boy, proudly revving his engine up and down. 4 more wannabe fake gangsta kids were standing around "tuning" his new exhaust.....which consisted of a rather small header and 4 coffee cans spray painted silver and the words "TYPE-R" stenciled on it.
Holy ****. I told him to pleae quit *with the car so I could sleep.
Wait, that is BY FAR not all.
The following week, he ask me if he can borrow a screwdriver and a hammer. He is installing his new "type r" rear spoiler. He was rather proud of it. He paid almost 600 dollars for it. I asked him where he was going to put it, since a honda civic does not have a trunk. "The roof, dawg" is what he told me.
This spoiuler looks like an aluminum picnic table that you would see in a public park, except for lots of rivets in it and the words "Type R" all over it.
I almost stopped him, but I wanted to see how *it would look.
I gleefully helped him install it. Yup, totally *. Classic.
He went on to explain to me that he needed it for all of the downforce he needed to maintain traction at supersonic speeds.
4 cylinders.
75 horsepower.
Downforce. Oh my god, what a *.
It gets better.
2 weeks later, he is asking to borrow my cordless drill.
He just bought a body kit, yo, and heeds to be down fo' shizzle wit da tool dawg to istall it, no wut hes sane, dawg?
Body kit. Pay attention. It gets good here.
So he drills all of the holes, double sided tape and screws this ************ to his car, and it REALLY is beginning to look like a space ship. or a an alien life form. Or a circus car. Well, circus, not yet. Thats coming.
heres the problem. The body kit is white. The car is dark green. It looks like a burrito vomit.....and the car is a full 4 inches wider, and 2 inches lower than it was before.
He cant get the doors to open or close properly, because the "body kit, yo" is catching the door jamb. So, always the helpful one, I give him my grinder. That was the coolest, watching this '*grind on his new 1200 dollar yo yo word up body kit. word. It was the flyest, dawg.
Circus act part 1.
Now, he decides he wants to "Lower the ride, dog."
I wouldnt let him use my tools, as I was afraid this dumb **** would blow himself up with what he wanted to do next.
He would cut the coils. dangerous. Unsafe. Stupid.
He succeeded in cutting the coils, but now his new body kit dawg was dragging on the ground. and, to top it all off, the car was bouncing up and down like a carnival ride, effectively ending his neon lighted glory. His type r exhaust was dragging on the ground as well.
You should see how *this *looks. A huge picnic table on the roof, 2 tone body kit, special kid tailights. blinking, broken neon, stickers all over it, buzzing like a chainsaw on crack, bouncing up and down like a clown car.
Wait, thats not all. now *wants a "syssem, yo." Oh yeah. He pieced together 6 different trashed car stereos, one home streo, and a kraagen auto parts special base speaker, and somehow wired the neon lights (whats left of them) to blink with the beat of the music.
....Except you cant hear the music. You can only hear the bass. ...And it rattles his rooftop spoiler and license plate frame.
Now its REALLY looking AND SOUNDING like a clown car.
Okay. Now for *carbon fiber paint job. He puts a hood scoop from an early 60s mustang on it, and its EMORMOUS. It kind of balanced out the *of the rear spoiler/picnic table.
Then out comes the spray cans. All 18 of them. First, he pulled off his spinning hubcaps, and painted the wheels BLACK. Flat black.
Then he painted the body kit dawg bright, neon yellow.
The rest of the car was painted bright red, with a purple fist turning into a dragon or some **** airbrushed on the doors.
Clown car complete? Not yet.
As I stated previously, I have experience with fast cars. He knows that I can make a car go fast. He comes over with a copy of "honda tuuner guy" magazine, filled with equally *looking cars.
He asks me: "Yo dawg, i wanna make dis here b18 goes fast and ****. I was thinkin of an acura V-tec swap or some NOSS"
So i asked him, what exactly do you intend to do with this car? Will you be entering it in the most *car contest, or what?
He says: "Naaw, cracka. That **** is be is funny and ****, but I is for reals, for reals. I need to be running in the 12s and making 350 horsepower"
So I asked him: Why dont you save your money and buy a car that already makes 350 horsepower, like a camaro or a GTO or something, instead of trying to make a car with 75 horsepower, that was never intended to go that fast any faster?
"dont be a foo, yo. Everybody knows dat ode skoo **** cant hang" he tells me.
Now Im ____ed. Insulted. I said: Lookit here, junior, i'll pull my olds cutlass out of the garage and make your **** look like it was going backwards. No noss, no turbo, no stickers and no body kit is gonna help you beat the "ODE SKOO" cars, DAWG. And the same goes for any of your other *car driving friends.
Ill have you and your homies wetting your pants with fear before we ever hit second gear. You have 6 grand worth of **** bolted onto a 1000 dollar car that was perfectly good when you got it, and now it looks, sounds and drives like ___. Get the **** out of my garage.
He looked like he was gonna cry.
He left with a solid "**** you dawg, ill beat your old man car with a 150 shot" and he left, trying to pull up his drawers and give me the finger at the same time.
Showdown.
Now I am a responsible adult, and I do not condonne street rascing. However, when faced with a direct insult, challenge, and **** you, amy man tends to be defensive enough to take a few risks.
Beautiful sunny day. First day Ive had my car out of the garage all winter. I check the fluids. I start the engine. I anticipate a crisp, lively jaunt at mind-bending speeds up the interstate.
I rev my engine, i sip my coffee.
*heard me revving my engine, and him and 2 of his friends do the same in the driveway. One is a New acura in the pre-clown car stages of molestation, and the other one is junior's moms civic. It sounds like a lawn mower race at the richardsons house. I crank my engine up to 3000 RPM and drown them out.
I climb in my car, check the guages, and idle out into the road.
I look in my rearview, and Im being followed by two bouncing, brightly colored bumping clown cars with backward hat *pointing in my direction.
I ignore them. Not worth my trouble. Im an adult.
*and *pass me when I hit the 680 on the left and the right.
Bzzz.
Gone. Good. I am halfway to livermore when they blast out of the on ramp and attempt to box me in. *is revving his engine and pointing forward , *is slowing me down in front of me.
**** it. Ive had enough.
I stuffed it down into third gear, opened all 455 cubic inches wide open, almost rear-ended *and swerved directly at *.
I broke the rear tires loose at 70 miles an hour, and *was busy downshifting trying to get enough speed up to catch me.
I dusted these little *so bad they simply dissappeared. I got off on the livermore exit and waited for them on the on ramp. Some of thier own game. Right back atcha homie.
I let them see me. Then I smoked the tires brutally and violently out of the ramp so that they would know I was ____ed and coming for them.
I knew the honda was slow, so i ignored him and brought it down right on the acuras bumper. I got within an inch of this terrified teenagers ___ and popped on the high beams and gunned the motor. I mashed the gas i n third and was threatening to bump him. 90, 100, 110....
he couldnt get away from me. he waved for me to pass. *was WAAAAY in the back.
The acura *was scared, and beaten and he knew it. I pulled alongside.
I motioned for him to roll down his window. I screamed and pointed. He backed way off.
I stuck my finger in the air and screamed **** you at acura *, and dumped it, quickly accelerating to 130 MPH until they couldnt see my tailights any more.
Later that evening, as I told my fiancee this story ("your a juvenile *******, you could have killed those kids and you are going to ____ off the neighbors")
I heard two chainsaws idle up very slowly to my house. Holy ****. Its a drive by. These *want to kill me.
A knock on the door.
I answer it, ready to beat some fake gangsta ___ if I have to.
They want to see my car now. "Do you have noss?, is it a hemi?"
*. get lost.
Clown car is still on the road, but now homie g wants to learn all about the "ode skoo"
If you see this car, put a sticker on it. He seems to like them, and thinks they make the car cooler. Then dust his ___ once for good measure.
You simply have to see this kids car to believe it. If your car looks *and its fast, cool. Then you can look a little *special and get away with it. But this thing looks like it was dropped off at the special education shop class and built by *, and it s not even quick.
In honor of dale "pimpdaddyhustla" richardson, class of 2006 and his clown car, I dedicate this to you. Let me take you for a ride once you feel you are man enough. I see you stepped up to the plate and lost big time. Im willing to help you install the noss and the v-tecs and let you try again.
04-30-2005, 01:47 PM
#5
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: SuperDuperModfromMichigan
Posts: 595
Nice! Pics please of the racecar!. I know exactly how you feel being proud of your car against some ricer. There have been many times where I've pulled up in my mr2 with the tops off, and next to a riced honda, they simply can't say anything. You can't beat natural beauty with fake one. And in your case, you can't beat 455 cubic inches and enough torque to kick your @ss to tomorrow! 
04-30-2005, 02:18 PM
#8
Senior Member
Scikotics
SL Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: www.scikotics.com
Posts: 7,374
I almost stopped him, but I wanted to see how retarded it would look.
I gleefully helped him install it. Yup, totally retarded. Classic.
I gleefully helped him install it. Yup, totally retarded. Classic.
Best read I've had in a long time.
04-30-2005, 04:42 PM
#14
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Middle of nowhere, WI
Posts: 507
funny story. I bet I already know the sequal, though, due out in about 4-5 years. It's going to start like this:
So anyway. My neighbors kid turns 17, and the mother gives him her scion xa.
Say it out loud now with me. scion xa. Plastic and aluminum, 108 horsepower, basic commuter car, scion xa.
So anyway. My neighbors kid turns 17, and the mother gives him her scion xa.
Say it out loud now with me. scion xa. Plastic and aluminum, 108 horsepower, basic commuter car, scion xa.
05-01-2005, 04:31 AM
#19
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Malibu, CA
Posts: 1,444
I wish that my writing skills were as up to par as the guy whom I stole this story from. Unfortunaty this isn't my story, but since I too was laughing my a** off the entire time I was reading it, I thought that I would post on scionlife for others to enjoy.
