A teenage boy walks into a catholic church and heads straight for the priest in his office. The priest says, Hello there son, is there anything i can do for you? Yes, replied the boy. I have some stuff to tell you. Go ahead son. Well...(sniffles)....Take your time son. Okay, well, my dad is a drug addict and he's in jail now for selling. My mom, well, i haven't seen her since she left with some dude, and my sister, damn, she's been sleeping around with everyone. (shocked) Boy, that is some story and truly a sad one. With all this negativity in your life son, is there anything positive in your life?
Yes, father, my HIV test.

bored

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

:lol:

A man walks into a bar...and falls down!
Aaa thank you.

^^ :roll:

Here's a clean one that you can tell the kids!

A burglar breaks into a house while the family is away one night and starts stealing stuff. As he is going through the living room he hears a voice behind him say “I see you and Jesus sees you.” Well, as you can imagine, the burglar absolutely flips out at this. He dives behind the couch and starts looking around the room. He sees absolutely nothing there and eventually calms down. Shaking himself he stands back up. As soon as he does the voice comes again, “I see you and Jesus sees you.” Diving for cover again the burglar bumps into a brass pole. At the top of the pole is a birdcage with a big parrot in it! As he stares at the parrot it says in that same voice, “I see you and Jesus sees you.” The burglar is extremely relieved and goes back about his business stealing from the house. As he makes his way from room to room the parrot continues to say, “I see you and Jesus sees you.” The burglar finally comes to the master bedroom when the bird says his line again, “I see you and Jesus sees you.” The burglar shakes his head and opens the door to the bedroom. Standing in front of him is an extremely nasty looking pit bull with his teeth bared, saliva dripping, and a low growl coming from its throat. The burglar stands absolutely frozen as the parrot says, “Sic ‘em Jesus!”

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

hahahahhah good 1 ............

i will try to translate one bosnian joke i dont know how it will come out but whoever i told in bosnian they go down lol.......ok here it comes!

..... rabit and "small chicken" are smoking weed and chicken try his first time .......rabit say"do you feel anything?" chicken:"nah nothing" rabit put
s some more weed in joint and ask again "do YOU FEEL NOW SOMETHING?" chicken "nop nothing :? " rabit puts a big big joint rabit is so high and for last time ask chicken "CAN U FEEL SOMETHINGGG :x " chicken says: no i dont feel my legs my body my wings i dont feel nothing :lol: "

hm i heard this one too :
why guys dont have boobs?


because they would play with them all day hahahahhahahhhahhhahahh

what is this
HAS 8 HANDS AND IQ OF 60 ?


GIRLS WATCHING FOOTBALL :)
HAHAHAHAHAH

Not a joke, but someone came up to me and asked if my Scion had a hemi in it... jokingly of course. I sneered at him.

Here we go.....

A young man walks up to his father and asks him, " What is the difference between potentialy and realisticaly?

The dad then tells the boy to go ask his mom, sister, and brother a question and he'll find the answer.

So he goes to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Mel Gibson for a million dollars and she replied with a nice grin and a hell yeah!

Then he asks the sister, hey would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars? She says what girl wouldn't?

Then he asks his brother hey man would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?
His brother replied with, I'm not like that, but you could do a lot of things with a million dollars so I guess That's a yes.

He then returns to his father and his dad asks him if he knows the difference. He says yeah, potentially were sittin on 3 million dollars and realistically we live with 2 sluts and a queer.

hahahahahahahahahhaha :lol: :lol: :lol:

hahahahahahahah good 1

70-year old George went for his annual physical and all of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."

"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"

Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again.

Too much reading to get to the punch, so here's a couple of short ones.

Why is it called PMS?
Cuz mad cow was already taken.

Why do women have boobs?
So you have something to look at while we're talking.

:lol: :lol:

Little Johnny and Mary, both about six years old, were playing in the sandbox.

Unexpectedly, the little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift.

Mary notices and squeals with laughter.

"How'd you do that," Mary asked ....

"Easy," Little Johnny exclaimed, "I just farted."

"Can I try it," Mary asks?

"Sure," says Little Johnny, "anybody can do it."

Mary concentrates as she strains and grunts.

Suddenly, there's a huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and Little Johnny is thrown 10 feet, landing up against a tree.

He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where Mary is.

He finds her laying on the ground, out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.

Curiously, Little Johnny lifts up Mary's dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims.

"Just what I thought, dual exhaust" :oops: 8)

^^ hahhahhahaha :P :oops: :P :lol:

That is some funny ____ there George.

A Vietnamese boy who barely spoke English walks into a US foreign currency exchange business and gives his Dong (Viet money) and he got back $40.00. Two weeks later he comes back and gives his Dong and got back $20.00. He then became mad and asked as best as he could, Whi so wittle money now?" The clerk said, " FLUCTUATIONS." The boy got furious and headed for the exit, but before he could slam the door, he shouted, " Well, Fu#K youu Amerikans too."


bored

That was a good one.

You know how to confuse a Rookie? Tell him to pee in a corner in a round room. Know how he confuses you? He does.

Lame but hey

Lame!

What is the difference between kinky and erotic?

Kinky is using a feather....

Erotic is using the whole chicken! :lol:

I'll make sure to pass on the chicken at the christmas party!

It'll just add flavor. hahaha

Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla: "How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."
The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid.'"
Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."
When the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Buckwheat ponders for a few seconds, then spurts out, "I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"
:lol: :lol: :lol: 8)

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.

"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

"It's my boyfriend." gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"

"My god", shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?"

"No thank goodness" sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"

SORRY I COULDN'T RESIST..... TWO TODAY :roll: 8)

A Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange."

The second little boy says"Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK. Then I DEFINITELY ____ my pants."

That's some funny ____ right there. I don't care who you are, that right there is funny.

^^^^
yah ok larry the cable guy

I don't know why, that one was the only one to crack me up.

git-r-done

mayonasse a lot of jokes

That was a good one "tater tot"

That was HI-larious!!!!!!!!! :lol: :D

"they call me tater salad"

Yeah, I don't want to be drunk in pubLIK, I want to be drunk in the bar!!!!

I want to be drunk sitting at home, a little deeper than this

http://www.hoeckisworld.de/Al_Bundy/bal2.jpeg

Or like that toooooo

Wouldn't it be nice to sit at home all day without a care in the world and just grab your yoohoo.





I want some chocolate milk now

OK, my turn:
Snappy Comebacks

Comeback #1:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket, not your stub."

Comeback #2:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."

Comeback #3:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads,'Low bridge ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The
truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Comeback #4:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well, I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Comeback #5 - THE TEACHER SMART-___

BEST OF THE YEAR:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your
immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-___
guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, , "What would you say
if tomorrow, I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When
silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess I'd say you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand."
---
:lol: :lol: :lol:

BBUURRNN!!!!