Do this to your wife......?
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Posts: 2,457
From: Earth
Do this to your wife......?
A couple has been married for 20 years. Every year the man has forgotten their anniversary. On the day of the couples 21st anniversary, he forgets again.
"I cant believe you forgot again, you complete *******! If there isnt something out in the driveway tomorrow that goes from 0-200 in less that 6 seconds this marriage is over!"
With that the women storms off to the bedroom, leaving her husband to spend the night on the couch.
In the morning the woman wakes up to find that her husband has already left for work. She mumbles to herself about her ungrateful husband as she makes her way to the kitchen.
Washing dishes at the sink, the woman looks out the window and is astonished to see an enormous shipping container in the driveway. The woman runs outside and around to the doors of the container.
She rips off the bow and flings open the doors to find a bathroom scale sitting on the floor.
"I cant believe you forgot again, you complete *******! If there isnt something out in the driveway tomorrow that goes from 0-200 in less that 6 seconds this marriage is over!"
With that the women storms off to the bedroom, leaving her husband to spend the night on the couch.
In the morning the woman wakes up to find that her husband has already left for work. She mumbles to herself about her ungrateful husband as she makes her way to the kitchen.
Washing dishes at the sink, the woman looks out the window and is astonished to see an enormous shipping container in the driveway. The woman runs outside and around to the doors of the container.
She rips off the bow and flings open the doors to find a bathroom scale sitting on the floor.
good one
Thread Starter
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,457
From: Earth
This one is not as funny, but ive time to kill, so.....
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the [censored] is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their [censored] to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". [censored] right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the [censored] would you keep looking after you've found it?
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the [censored] floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the [censored]?? Life is the longest [censored] thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? Tell that to Charles Manson.
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came, would I be standing here, [censored]?
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the [censored] is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their [censored] to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". [censored] right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the [censored] would you keep looking after you've found it?
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the [censored] floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the [censored]?? Life is the longest [censored] thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? Tell that to Charles Manson.
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came, would I be standing here, [censored]?
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Posts: 135
From: Raleigh, NC
the scale was funnier... LOVED it. Here's one for you.
My friend John from Madisonville Tennessee is 86 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
John said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.'
John looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
My friend John from Madisonville Tennessee is 86 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
John said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.'
John looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 140
Originally Posted by HeathenBrewing
This one is not as funny, but ive time to kill, so.....
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the [censored] is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their [censored] to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". [censored] right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the [censored] would you keep looking after you've found it?
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the [censored] floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the [censored]?? Life is the longest [censored] thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? Tell that to Charles Manson.
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came, would I be standing here, [censored]?
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the [censored] is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their [censored] to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". [censored] right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the [censored] would you keep looking after you've found it?
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the [censored] floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the [censored]?? Life is the longest [censored] thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? Tell that to Charles Manson.
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came, would I be standing here, [censored]?
How about these things to hate someone.
People coming into our country only to sit around on their lazy ___ using money from welfare, medical, or whatever to buy a car nicer than me and get free healthcare.
People who rape any other person, ESPECIALLY kids.
People who swear to uphold the public trust only to commit some kind of scandal or crime for their own personal benefit.
People who have 18 kids and can't afford or better yet, even have the time to take care of them.
I can go on...
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,457
From: Earth
Wow gummyneo78, …youre a bigger wet blanket that I am. Did you miss the first thing I said:
You know, funny, as in, "haha"…a joke, a….ahh, nevermind...
Doesn’t seem any worse than people being born in this country only to sit around on their lazy butt using money from welfare, medical, or whatever to buy a car nicer than me and get free healthcare.
I could go on, but this thread was suppose to be funny. Ill stop now.
Originally Posted by HeathenBrewing
This one is not as funny, but ive time to kill, so.......
Originally Posted by gummyneo78
People coming into our country only to sit around on their lazy butt using money from welfare, medical, or whatever to buy a car nicer than me and get free healthcare...
I could go on, but this thread was suppose to be funny. Ill stop now.
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 140
Originally Posted by HeathenBrewing
This one is not as funny, but ive time to kill, so.......
You know, funny, as in, "haha"…a joke, a….ahh, nevermind...
You know, funny, as in, "haha"…a joke, a….ahh, nevermind...
Originally Posted by HeathenBrewing
Doesn’t seem any worse than people being born in this country only to sit around on their lazy butt using money from welfare, medical, or whatever to buy a car nicer than me and get free healthcare.
I could go on, but this thread was suppose to be funny. Ill stop now.