HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for having a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING : When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY : This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK : When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH : The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME : Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER : This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) : A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS : A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR : This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH : A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Coughis very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE : An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON : A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET : A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD : An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life. If you need additional additional please call...1-800-poo-pooh

 

hahaha it's kinda funny how I've been doing a lot of these maneuvers for some time now and never thought they had a name.

 

come to think of I've got one:
Undercover or stall swooper:
one who intially enters the RR to drop a duce but notices either the stalls are all filled or there's other people in the RR. They go to a urinal and act like they're peeing and wait for everyone else to leave, then he continues his original mission.

and there might should be one about the "warm toilet seat", where the seat is warm and you saw the person who warmed it. Drives me mad knowing that persons .... was just there.

 

ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Nice....I do the camo-cough...but over the years I have become the "out of the closet pooper"

 

Man... I usually consider the bathrooms here to be a no fly zone, 'cept for the #1. In dire situations though... I become a friggin ninja.

 

See, the problem is, ours are single use, with a pretty heavy door, but if you're in there, you can hear everything on the outside, so I can only imagine the same goes for those outside. It's also located 10 feet from the staff elevator, so there's lots of traffic.

 

7th floor tends to have less visitors so if there is too many people on my floor i go down to the 7th and take a leak, ive only gone to the bathroom at work 1 time though and that was a utter emergency!

 

Wow I must have done at least 8 of those! You forgot the (1)mexican dump- that's when you see corn in your crap.
(2)Power dump is similar to the watermelon. Also the (3) 2nd wave Poop- That's when you go number 2 then wipe, pull up your pants and realize your not done!

 

this is literally the best thread ever

 

 

lol that applies at school too. ours is a 3 level school that looks like a prison. there are bathrooms on all 3, BUT i would only use certain ones. top floor = urnnials only. those seats are covered. EW! avoid at ALL COSTS! 2nd floor? those bathrooms are usually not used, but are also where drug deals can go down, or fights. dont want to be caught with your pants down! also, the entire lunch room uses that one... so thats not a good idea. the bottom floor is where it is at! there is a handycap bathroom, but alot of seniors use it. theres the band room stalls, which are kept clean are ok, and the bathrooms on stage are very private! BUT! i know of a hidden bathroom in a storage area, kept porcelean white! its big, private and stock full toilet paper. NICE!

I dont know if i would toe tap... that senator was doing that in the bathroom... ___ smex? NTY!

 

my motto for pooping at work has always been. "there is nothing better then taking a great big ____, and getting paid for it!"

so i guess im a out of the closet pooper

 

wow!

 

I'd be careful with that Astaire thing, don't want people freak out over another Senator Craig instant!
Zing!

 

i love these. always funny.

laughed so hard...at work...then i farted.

 

just remember to throw your watch in the toilet so you can $#!t on time

 

hahahaha wtf

workin at Napa Auto if we had to go we just went and let it out!! hell everyone there farted by the counter if no customers were in there.. it was sssooo nasty.. customers would find us by the door and ask what we're doin LOL running

 

o.m.g.


my co-worker never laughed so hard from all the stuff I've shown him from SL before. No wonder, he's a guy yr age =/