Restroom Terms and Guidelines
10-17-2008, 09:06 PM
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Restroom Terms and Guidelines
I just wanted to share with you all this funny email I got at the office the other day. A buddy of mine made a request to have a copy.
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Restroom Terms For The Next Generation
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this to make sure that it is a SILENT KILLER and not a SMASHED DUCK or FIRE CRACKER. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
SILENT KILLER:
This is a fart that slips between your cheeks with minimal stress or sound. It's characterized by its intense smell.
SMASHED DUCK:
This is a fart that makes a sound as if you had just stepped on a duck. Also known as a HONKER.
FIRE CRACKER:
This is a fart that is released in rapid succession and with a popping sound at each interval.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. This person is not afraid to be vocal during troubling times.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
FINKELSTEIN:
This is a person who stays in the bathroom to find out who let out the ESCAPEE or commited a JAILBREAKER so they can spread the word to everyone in the office. This can be avoided with a KARATE KID.
KARATE KID:
A Karate Kid is a quick manuever where you lean back and lift your legs parallel to the floor to hide your shoes and your garments from a FINKELSTEIN. At this time, it is safe to deploy the WATERMELON. WARNING - This manuever will not work on a JAMES BOND.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
JAMES BOND:
This is the most aggressive form of FINKELSTEIN. They will go as far as peeking between the door and the wall, and if necessary look under the door. Often excusing themselves with "I thought someone locked it by accident". If possible, enable a MARY LOU RETTON.
MARY LOU RETTON:
A move similar to the traditional KARATE KID, except that instead of placing your legs parallel to the floor they are lifted 45 degrees, thus blocking the JAMES BOND from seeing your face. This move gets its name from the fact that in order to pull off this move you must hold onto the bowl like a balancing beam. Instead of releasing a watermelon, end this move with a HAVANA OMELETTE:
HAVANA OMELETTE:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
KENTUCKY KLINGON:
After expelling your poison, the clean up may take a while. 9 times out of 10 a result of cutting off the poop to early. Clean up may take up a whole roll. Northern states refer to this fiasco as a CHARMIN SHELLY. The best advise is to bring your own paper so as not to be targeted as the roll queen.
UNCLE TODD:
(or as I like to say "Uncle Jason" the one who hogs the bathroom forever after a holiday meal) An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
AUNT MAYE:
Much like a nagging aunt that won't leave, this filament left in the bowl won't flush down. The embarassing situation of having to walk away in a full bathroom can be reduced by dropping some paper in the bowl before starting.
KAMIKAZE:
This is when you had bad Oriental food, then when the soft wet feces fly's from your butt it breaks apart on impact with the water. Thus creating an explosive effect on the bowl and toilet seat. Some spray may even splash on your legs causing another effect known as a MAHOGANY FINISH. No matter how many times you flush the ensuing carnage does not go away. Placing paper on the floor may reduce the damage.
MAHOGANY FINISH:
This is an unfortunate find, smeared fecal matter on the seat leaving a MAHOGANY FINISH. The result of feces not falling in, sometimes splashing outward or down the bowl. The guilty one can easily be found with evidence splashed on the back of their pant legs and shoes.
THIRD REICH:
A person that is fast and is vocal, usually ordering/commanding him or herself to an action while in a stall. Leave the bathroom quielty, they tend to come out angry or call out names. Courtious behaviour will get you everywhere in bathroom etiquette.
CROUCHING SQUATTER, HIDDEN JAILBREAK:
While in the bathroom you hear a JAILBREAK but don't see anybodies feet in the stalls. It may be a foreigner squatting on top of the toilet seat, reminding them of the good ole days crouching over a hole. This usually accounts for the SHOE PHANTOM or HUNGARIAN WINE PRESS.
SHOE PHANTOM:
Shoe prints left on the toilet seat by an apparent phantom or ghost.
HUNGARIAN WINE PRESS :
While forcing out a HAVANA OMELET you hold onto the bowl so hard that it breaks the seat situated between your butt and the bowl. The damage may also be caused by careless CROUCHING SQUATTER, HIDDEN JAILBREAK.
TIJUANA BURRITO:
While working with foreigners who are not used to indoor plumbing they may wrap up their turds and throw them in the next available trash can. Do not reach your hand in to inspect it. Although warm and inviting this wrapped package should be avoided like a Tijuana burrito. If a careless employee hastily throws the package away it may create a REFRITO SURPRISE.
REFRITO SURPRISE:
Any turd smears that aren't inside the toilet bowl. Caused by carelessly throwing away a TIJUANA BURRITO. Can also be caused by accidentally getting crap on your hand while wiping yourself and then wiping the remainder on any available surface.
PONCHO'S GIVEAWAY:
Opening the stall to discover someone forgot to flush. Usually, with no evidence of toilet paper use, also known as a SCHOOLTIME SURPRISE - notorious as children's favorite
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Restroom Terms For The Next Generation
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this to make sure that it is a SILENT KILLER and not a SMASHED DUCK or FIRE CRACKER. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
SILENT KILLER:
This is a fart that slips between your cheeks with minimal stress or sound. It's characterized by its intense smell.
SMASHED DUCK:
This is a fart that makes a sound as if you had just stepped on a duck. Also known as a HONKER.
FIRE CRACKER:
This is a fart that is released in rapid succession and with a popping sound at each interval.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. This person is not afraid to be vocal during troubling times.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
FINKELSTEIN:
This is a person who stays in the bathroom to find out who let out the ESCAPEE or commited a JAILBREAKER so they can spread the word to everyone in the office. This can be avoided with a KARATE KID.
KARATE KID:
A Karate Kid is a quick manuever where you lean back and lift your legs parallel to the floor to hide your shoes and your garments from a FINKELSTEIN. At this time, it is safe to deploy the WATERMELON. WARNING - This manuever will not work on a JAMES BOND.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
JAMES BOND:
This is the most aggressive form of FINKELSTEIN. They will go as far as peeking between the door and the wall, and if necessary look under the door. Often excusing themselves with "I thought someone locked it by accident". If possible, enable a MARY LOU RETTON.
MARY LOU RETTON:
A move similar to the traditional KARATE KID, except that instead of placing your legs parallel to the floor they are lifted 45 degrees, thus blocking the JAMES BOND from seeing your face. This move gets its name from the fact that in order to pull off this move you must hold onto the bowl like a balancing beam. Instead of releasing a watermelon, end this move with a HAVANA OMELETTE:
HAVANA OMELETTE:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
KENTUCKY KLINGON:
After expelling your poison, the clean up may take a while. 9 times out of 10 a result of cutting off the poop to early. Clean up may take up a whole roll. Northern states refer to this fiasco as a CHARMIN SHELLY. The best advise is to bring your own paper so as not to be targeted as the roll queen.
UNCLE TODD:
(or as I like to say "Uncle Jason" the one who hogs the bathroom forever after a holiday meal) An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
AUNT MAYE:
Much like a nagging aunt that won't leave, this filament left in the bowl won't flush down. The embarassing situation of having to walk away in a full bathroom can be reduced by dropping some paper in the bowl before starting.
KAMIKAZE:
This is when you had bad Oriental food, then when the soft wet feces fly's from your butt it breaks apart on impact with the water. Thus creating an explosive effect on the bowl and toilet seat. Some spray may even splash on your legs causing another effect known as a MAHOGANY FINISH. No matter how many times you flush the ensuing carnage does not go away. Placing paper on the floor may reduce the damage.
MAHOGANY FINISH:
This is an unfortunate find, smeared fecal matter on the seat leaving a MAHOGANY FINISH. The result of feces not falling in, sometimes splashing outward or down the bowl. The guilty one can easily be found with evidence splashed on the back of their pant legs and shoes.
THIRD REICH:
A person that is fast and is vocal, usually ordering/commanding him or herself to an action while in a stall. Leave the bathroom quielty, they tend to come out angry or call out names. Courtious behaviour will get you everywhere in bathroom etiquette.
CROUCHING SQUATTER, HIDDEN JAILBREAK:
While in the bathroom you hear a JAILBREAK but don't see anybodies feet in the stalls. It may be a foreigner squatting on top of the toilet seat, reminding them of the good ole days crouching over a hole. This usually accounts for the SHOE PHANTOM or HUNGARIAN WINE PRESS.
SHOE PHANTOM:
Shoe prints left on the toilet seat by an apparent phantom or ghost.
HUNGARIAN WINE PRESS :
While forcing out a HAVANA OMELET you hold onto the bowl so hard that it breaks the seat situated between your butt and the bowl. The damage may also be caused by careless CROUCHING SQUATTER, HIDDEN JAILBREAK.
TIJUANA BURRITO:
While working with foreigners who are not used to indoor plumbing they may wrap up their turds and throw them in the next available trash can. Do not reach your hand in to inspect it. Although warm and inviting this wrapped package should be avoided like a Tijuana burrito. If a careless employee hastily throws the package away it may create a REFRITO SURPRISE.
REFRITO SURPRISE:
Any turd smears that aren't inside the toilet bowl. Caused by carelessly throwing away a TIJUANA BURRITO. Can also be caused by accidentally getting crap on your hand while wiping yourself and then wiping the remainder on any available surface.
PONCHO'S GIVEAWAY:
Opening the stall to discover someone forgot to flush. Usually, with no evidence of toilet paper use, also known as a SCHOOLTIME SURPRISE - notorious as children's favorite
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