Uncle Bob's crazy.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

Compliments of Borat;

The suit is not black.

I had sexy intercourse with my mother in law.

There is a chair. It has a shoes. It's a dancing. La la la la.








...sorry, I'm on a Borat kick since I saw the movie....

 

What do you get when you cross an owl with a bunjee cord?















My ___.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

thats where he parked his coupe

 

why did the piece of gum cross the road?






It was stuck to the chickens leg.

 

I love that stupid movie!

 

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for the occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him...She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam, it's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time."The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a minute later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. So we just switched the heads."

 

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno . . . Never found the head!"

 

Democratic National Convention, Agenda 2008



7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.
7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:30 - 8:00 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship. Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.
8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging.
8:15-8:30 P.M. ___ Wedding, Barney Frank Presiding.
8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan, Susan Sarandon
9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender. Presented by French President Jacques Chirac
9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund
9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay. Presented by Sean Penn
9:40 P.M. Why I hate the Military. A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton
9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award. Presented by Michael Moore
9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Towers. Presented by Howard Dean
10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahnadinejad
11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet
11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War Criminals. Presented by John Kerry
11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Rodham Clinton
12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home

 

New ATM Procedures

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

***********************************************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine!

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

 

: shock :

 

^oops that didn't work

 

if i said that to my gf she would punch me...
but i would be still laughing

 

> Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
>
> "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"
>
> "Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
>
> So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
>
> There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
>
> "Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".
>
> "Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget"
>
> "Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
>
> And with that ..Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks It is clear he is mortally wounded but. true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
>
> "Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree"
>
> "Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?
>
> "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..
>
> Ees
>
> Ees
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Ees
>
>
> Ees
>
>
>
> Eees a Ham Bush!

 

Two Mexicans at a baseball Game,

Bob and Jose went to a ball game this weekend.
This was Jose first time at a ball park.
They sat down and watch the game, it was the begining of the 2nd ining.
Jose asked Bob, "wats da guy holdin?"
Bob reply, " Its a bat. He uses dat thing to hit da ball."
"Oh I see." Says Jose.
As soon as the batter hits the ball, the batter runs over to the first base.
Jose looked around and saw the crowd cheering, "RUN, RUN, RUN...."
He did not know what to do, so he got and shouted "RUN AMIGO, RUN AMIGO!!!"
The next batter was up, this time the batter struck the ball over the fence.
The crowd was cheering, So Jose shouted again.."RUN AMIGO, RUN AMIGO..."

As the game got near the end of the 9th ining, Jose notice this batter was'nt hitting the ball.
The pitcher throw ball, and it passed the batter.
Then suddenly, the batter drops the bat and walks toward the first base.
Jose jumped out and shouted "RUN AMIGO, RUN AMIGO!!!".
Bob pull Jose to the side and wispered, "Jose, the guy has 4 *****."
Jose replys "oh I see."
So He jumped out and shouted "WALK WITH PRIDE AMIGO, WALK WITH PRIDE!!!!

 

You got problems man!



Keep up the funny jokes!

 

that's disgustingly funny.

 

^ Good baseball joke, mang.