the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
Thread Starter
Senior Member
SL Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in
his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him
about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough
so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black
letters was the sentence.
"Get well soon..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in
his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him
about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough
so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black
letters was the sentence.
"Get well soon..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
!
Senior Member
SL Member
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 1,353
From: 'Burbs Farmington Hills - go to school in Boulder, CO
jim was new to the country but already ended up in jail. in the shower he notes that he is being watched, but ignores it. in a deep throughty vioce ne notes "sht, dropped the soap!". his voice went three octives higher. jim doesnt like soap.
Thread Starter
Senior Member
SL Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
The Washcloth
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me
that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was
already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so
I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the
full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was
sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in 'that area' to
make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the
clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my
appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an
extra effort this morning, haven't we?"
I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking,
etc..
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom, " Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all
my glitter and sparkles saved inside it!!!!"
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me
that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was
already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so
I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the
full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was
sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in 'that area' to
make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the
clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my
appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an
extra effort this morning, haven't we?"
I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking,
etc..
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom, " Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all
my glitter and sparkles saved inside it!!!!"
< that's the closest to the "anime-feint" when ppl just drop in like 2 frames
Senior Member
Scikotics
SL Member
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,396
Lost in Reincarnation...
One night, Tom does what he normally does --- he kisses his wife, crawls into bed and falls asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe sitting next to him!
"What the heck are you doing in my bedroom...and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied. "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog would be too tiring, but a hen would probably have a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.
And in the next second, he found himself nicely feathered and in a chicken farm. But now he felt like his ___ was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my butt is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Tom asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Doggone it Tom! Wake up! You're messin' up the bed sheets again!"
One night, Tom does what he normally does --- he kisses his wife, crawls into bed and falls asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe sitting next to him!
"What the heck are you doing in my bedroom...and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied. "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog would be too tiring, but a hen would probably have a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.
And in the next second, he found himself nicely feathered and in a chicken farm. But now he felt like his ___ was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my butt is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Tom asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Doggone it Tom! Wake up! You're messin' up the bed sheets again!"
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train or ...
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Boot it.
4. Make sure the person who won't leave you alone can see the screen.
5. Open your email client to this message.
6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Then hit this link:
www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Boot it.
4. Make sure the person who won't leave you alone can see the screen.
5. Open your email client to this message.
6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Then hit this link:
www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf
I did it to my co-worker (not to say he annoys me 
)
Senior Member
Fail, INC
TOCC
SL Member
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 4,052
From: Ico, Arkansas
Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a ___ bar?
A. A love call.
Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
A. Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor?
A. By the ears. (Lick her)
Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room
Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.
Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts.
Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.
Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 45 lbs.
Q. Why does a dog lick its *****?
A. Because it can't make a fist.
Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?
A. Finger painting.
Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.
Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!
Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles
Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. Did you hear about the ___ truckers?
A. They exchanged loads.
Q. What do you call a ___ bar with no bar stools?
A. A fruit stand!
Q. Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack, and sell it again!
Q. Why did dinosaurs have sex under water?
A. You try to keep five hundred pounds of _____ wet!
Q. What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a trampoline?
A. I take my shoes of to jump on a trampoline
Q. What's worse then 10 dead babies nailed to one tree?
A. One dead baby nailed to 10 trees
Q. What's the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies?
A. I don't have a Porsche in my garage
Q. Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?
A. They kept trying each other.
Q. What's the difference between a Trisket and a lesbian?
A. A Trisket is a snack cracker and a lesbian is a crack snacker!
Q. why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?
A. To see her crack
Q. What is the difference between great literature and pornography?
A. Literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty.
Q. Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
A. To keep its nuts dry.
Q. Why was Tigger's head in the toilet?
A. He was looking for pooh!
Q. What did one tit say to the other?
A. I hope we get support soon or people will think we're nuts.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
A. A love call.
Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
A. Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor?
A. By the ears. (Lick her)
Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room
Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.
Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts.
Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.
Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 45 lbs.
Q. Why does a dog lick its *****?
A. Because it can't make a fist.
Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?
A. Finger painting.
Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.
Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!
Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles
Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. Did you hear about the ___ truckers?
A. They exchanged loads.
Q. What do you call a ___ bar with no bar stools?
A. A fruit stand!
Q. Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack, and sell it again!
Q. Why did dinosaurs have sex under water?
A. You try to keep five hundred pounds of _____ wet!
Q. What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a trampoline?
A. I take my shoes of to jump on a trampoline
Q. What's worse then 10 dead babies nailed to one tree?
A. One dead baby nailed to 10 trees
Q. What's the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies?
A. I don't have a Porsche in my garage
Q. Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?
A. They kept trying each other.
Q. What's the difference between a Trisket and a lesbian?
A. A Trisket is a snack cracker and a lesbian is a crack snacker!
Q. why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?
A. To see her crack
Q. What is the difference between great literature and pornography?
A. Literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty.
Q. Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
A. To keep its nuts dry.
Q. Why was Tigger's head in the toilet?
A. He was looking for pooh!
Q. What did one tit say to the other?
A. I hope we get support soon or people will think we're nuts.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
Thread Starter
Senior Member
SL Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
The Purina Diet
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in
line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting
The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended
up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying
it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it
works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in
line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting
The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended
up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying
it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it
works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door