the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,092
From: Royal Post Palace
Originally Posted by dgHotLava
^^^ female.
and another fun fact.
a female dog/cat will clench down and prevent the male from exiting until she decides it is time to be over...lol
and another fun fact.
a female dog/cat will clench down and prevent the male from exiting until she decides it is time to be over...lol
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SL Member
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 818
From: Raleigh, NC
Got this in email...
WAL-MART INTERVIEW
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring
Someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through
A stack of resumes he found four people who were
Equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and
Ask them only one question. Their answer would
Determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the
Conference room table, the interviewer asked,
'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the
Man replied, 'A THOUGHT' It just pops into
Your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer.
'And, now you sir?', he asked the
Second man.
'Hmmm...let me see. 'A blink! It comes and
Goes and you don't know that it ever happened.
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The
Blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed.' He then turned to the
Third man, who was contemplating his
Reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out
Of the house and on the wall there's
A light switch. When you flip that switch,
Way out across the pasture the light
On the barn comes on in less than an
Instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the
Fastest thing I can think of'
The interviewer was very impressed with the
Third answer and thought he had
Found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed
Of light,' he said.
Turn ing to Bubba, the fourth and final man,
The interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing
The previous three Answers, it's obvious to me that
The fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by
The response.
'Oh sure', said Old Bubba. 'You see, the
Other day I wasn't feeling so good, and
I ran for the bathroom, but before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I
Had already ____ my pants.'
Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a
Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time
You enter a Wal-Mart from now on!....
Have a good day!!
WAL-MART INTERVIEW
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring
Someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through
A stack of resumes he found four people who were
Equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and
Ask them only one question. Their answer would
Determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the
Conference room table, the interviewer asked,
'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the
Man replied, 'A THOUGHT' It just pops into
Your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer.
'And, now you sir?', he asked the
Second man.
'Hmmm...let me see. 'A blink! It comes and
Goes and you don't know that it ever happened.
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The
Blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed.' He then turned to the
Third man, who was contemplating his
Reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out
Of the house and on the wall there's
A light switch. When you flip that switch,
Way out across the pasture the light
On the barn comes on in less than an
Instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the
Fastest thing I can think of'
The interviewer was very impressed with the
Third answer and thought he had
Found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed
Of light,' he said.
Turn ing to Bubba, the fourth and final man,
The interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing
The previous three Answers, it's obvious to me that
The fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by
The response.
'Oh sure', said Old Bubba. 'You see, the
Other day I wasn't feeling so good, and
I ran for the bathroom, but before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I
Had already ____ my pants.'
Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a
Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time
You enter a Wal-Mart from now on!....
Have a good day!!
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SL Member
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 2,409
From: Redneck Riveria
---MARRIED TO A BLONDE
> One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. >They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow >today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so >the snowplows can get through.
>
> So the wife goes out and moves her car.
>
> A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer >says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your >car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the
> snowplows can get through." Again the wife goes out and moves her car.
>
> The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer >says, "We are expecting another snow storm today. You must park..." Then >the power goes out.
>
> So the wife very upset and with a worried look on her face she says, >"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park >on so the snowplows can get through?"
>
> With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are >married to Blondes exhibit, the husband says, "Why don't you just leave it >in the garage this time."
> One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. >They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow >today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so >the snowplows can get through.
>
> So the wife goes out and moves her car.
>
> A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer >says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your >car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the
> snowplows can get through." Again the wife goes out and moves her car.
>
> The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer >says, "We are expecting another snow storm today. You must park..." Then >the power goes out.
>
> So the wife very upset and with a worried look on her face she says, >"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park >on so the snowplows can get through?"
>
> With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are >married to Blondes exhibit, the husband says, "Why don't you just leave it >in the garage this time."
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SL Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,092
From: Royal Post Palace
This was sent to me in all caps already so no i'm not yelling but i don't want to re type all of it in small caps.
Subject: The Perfect Hispanic Wife
THIS HISPANIC COUPLE HAD ONLY BEEN MARRIED FOR TWO WEEKS. THE
HUSBAND, ALTHOUGH VERY MUCH IN LOVE, COULDN'T WAIT TO GO OUT INTO TOWN AND PARTY WITH HIS OLD BUDDIES, SO HE SAYS TO HIS NEW WIFE,.....
"PRECIOSA,....I'LL BE RIGHT BACK"....
"WHERE ARE YOU GOING PAPI CHULO?"...ASKED THE WIFE.
"I'M GOING TO THE BAR, MAMACITA.? I'M GOING TO HAVE A BEER".
THE WIFE SAYS TO HIM...??? -"YOU WANT A BEER MI AMOR?"
THEN SHE OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR AND SHOWS HIM 25 DIFFERENT KINDS OF BEER BRANDS FROM 12 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES: GERMANY, HOLLAND, JAPAN , INDIA , ETC...
THE HUSBAND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THE ONLY THING THAT
HE CAN THINK OF SAYING IS..."YES, MI MUJER LINDA...BUT THE BAR...YOU KNOW..THE FROZEN GLASS"...HE DIDN'T GET TO FINISH THE SENTENCE, WHEN THE WIFE INTERRUPTS HIM BY SAYING...
"YOU WANT A FROZEN GLASS MI PRECIOSO?"
SHE TAKES A HUGE BEER MUG OUT OF THE FREEZER SO FROZEN THAT SHE WAS
GETTING CHILLS HOLDING IT.? THE HUSBAND, LOOKING A BIT PALE, SAYS:....
"YES, MI DULCE...BUT AT THE BAR THEY HAVE THOSE HORS D'OEUVRES THAT ARE REALLY DELICIOUS...I WON'T BE LONG.? I'LL BE RIGHT BACK MI MELOCOTONCITO. I PROMISE. OK?"
YOU WANT HORS D'OEUVRES CARINO?" SHE OPENS THE OVEN AND TAKES OUT 15 DISHES OF DIFFERENT HORS D'OEUVRES: CHICKEN WINGS, PIGS IN A BLANKET, MUSHROOM CAPS, PORK STRIPS, ETC.
THE HUSBAND, LOOKING QUITE PERPLEXED, SAYS: "PERO MI TESORO, I WANT TO SMOKE A CIGAR AND NOT STINK UP THE HOUSE,TU SABES?"
"CIGAR?...AMOR DE MI VIDA, AQUI TIENES." SHE SAYS AS SHE PULLS OUT A LARGE HUMIDOR FROM UNDERNEATH THE KITCHEN SINK WITH CUBANS, DOMINICANS, HONDURANS, NICARAGUANS, CHURCHILL'S, MADUROS, ROBUSTOS,...EVERYTHING.
BUT QUERIDA.? ..AT THE BAR...YOU KNOW...THE SWEARING, THE DIRTY
WORDS AND ALL THAT..."
"YOU WANT DIRTY WORDS MI MACHOTE?"
"HERE, TOMA TU FUnkING CERVEZA IN YOUR FROZEN FUnkING COPA...COMETE TUS FUunKING SNACKS.. .AND METETE EL CIGARRO POR EL CULO PORQUE YOU AREN'T GOING ANY FUnkING WHERE!! GOT IT MARICON?!!"
Subject: The Perfect Hispanic Wife
THIS HISPANIC COUPLE HAD ONLY BEEN MARRIED FOR TWO WEEKS. THE
HUSBAND, ALTHOUGH VERY MUCH IN LOVE, COULDN'T WAIT TO GO OUT INTO TOWN AND PARTY WITH HIS OLD BUDDIES, SO HE SAYS TO HIS NEW WIFE,.....
"PRECIOSA,....I'LL BE RIGHT BACK"....
"WHERE ARE YOU GOING PAPI CHULO?"...ASKED THE WIFE.
"I'M GOING TO THE BAR, MAMACITA.? I'M GOING TO HAVE A BEER".
THE WIFE SAYS TO HIM...??? -"YOU WANT A BEER MI AMOR?"
THEN SHE OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR AND SHOWS HIM 25 DIFFERENT KINDS OF BEER BRANDS FROM 12 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES: GERMANY, HOLLAND, JAPAN , INDIA , ETC...
THE HUSBAND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THE ONLY THING THAT
HE CAN THINK OF SAYING IS..."YES, MI MUJER LINDA...BUT THE BAR...YOU KNOW..THE FROZEN GLASS"...HE DIDN'T GET TO FINISH THE SENTENCE, WHEN THE WIFE INTERRUPTS HIM BY SAYING...
"YOU WANT A FROZEN GLASS MI PRECIOSO?"
SHE TAKES A HUGE BEER MUG OUT OF THE FREEZER SO FROZEN THAT SHE WAS
GETTING CHILLS HOLDING IT.? THE HUSBAND, LOOKING A BIT PALE, SAYS:....
"YES, MI DULCE...BUT AT THE BAR THEY HAVE THOSE HORS D'OEUVRES THAT ARE REALLY DELICIOUS...I WON'T BE LONG.? I'LL BE RIGHT BACK MI MELOCOTONCITO. I PROMISE. OK?"
YOU WANT HORS D'OEUVRES CARINO?" SHE OPENS THE OVEN AND TAKES OUT 15 DISHES OF DIFFERENT HORS D'OEUVRES: CHICKEN WINGS, PIGS IN A BLANKET, MUSHROOM CAPS, PORK STRIPS, ETC.
THE HUSBAND, LOOKING QUITE PERPLEXED, SAYS: "PERO MI TESORO, I WANT TO SMOKE A CIGAR AND NOT STINK UP THE HOUSE,TU SABES?"
"CIGAR?...AMOR DE MI VIDA, AQUI TIENES." SHE SAYS AS SHE PULLS OUT A LARGE HUMIDOR FROM UNDERNEATH THE KITCHEN SINK WITH CUBANS, DOMINICANS, HONDURANS, NICARAGUANS, CHURCHILL'S, MADUROS, ROBUSTOS,...EVERYTHING.
BUT QUERIDA.? ..AT THE BAR...YOU KNOW...THE SWEARING, THE DIRTY
WORDS AND ALL THAT..."
"YOU WANT DIRTY WORDS MI MACHOTE?"
"HERE, TOMA TU FUnkING CERVEZA IN YOUR FROZEN FUnkING COPA...COMETE TUS FUunKING SNACKS.. .AND METETE EL CIGARRO POR EL CULO PORQUE YOU AREN'T GOING ANY FUnkING WHERE!! GOT IT MARICON?!!"
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Team XcelsiA
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 6,570
From: 2002 Day Member (8-6-11)
Sunday Morning Sex
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even........Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even........Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
Senior Member
Team XcelsiA
SL Member
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 6,570
From: 2002 Day Member (8-6-11)
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but
aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Jenny consentsfor more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more" action". And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already?"
The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has Its advantages.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but
aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Jenny consentsfor more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more" action". And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already?"
The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has Its advantages.
good one
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,092
From: Royal Post Palace
Originally Posted by xSTANDxSTRONGx
Originally Posted by tC4italy
bleah
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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 4,188
From: 954! oh yeah...
Originally Posted by tC4italy
Originally Posted by xSTANDxSTRONGx
Originally Posted by tC4italy
bleah
