the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
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Originally Posted by tc-guy
Drunk on the Toilet:
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
Later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few
minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.
'What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!'
'I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my *********.'
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...'you idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!'
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
Later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few
minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.
'What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!'
'I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my *********.'
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...'you idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!'
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Scikotics
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 575
From: 707
Originally Posted by 13edge
Found this on the web...
Company Policy
Start with a cage containing five monkeys
. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result; all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they are not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.
Company Policy
Start with a cage containing five monkeys
. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result; all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they are not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.
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A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the
newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!!
So many men dying that way!'
Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving,
and there is always that risk involved.'
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many
is a Brazilian?'
newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!!
So many men dying that way!'
Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving,
and there is always that risk involved.'
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many
is a Brazilian?'
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Scikotics
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 651
From: Tacoma, WA
I witnessed a murder today
the crazyest thing happen today! I was riding home from college today on the bus (saving gas money) and i was listening to music and not paying attention to anything. As we were stopping at one of the bus stops, a girl in the back started screaming. i looked back and saw her pointing out the window, and i followed her stare. out in an unfenced yard were 3 guys. 2 of them standing, one of them was on the ground bleeding, the taller of the 2 men had a baseball bat and was ready to smash it into the downed mans head again, when the men realized a bus load of people were looking at them. as the bus driver radioed in the 911 call, the other man who wasnt doing anything pulled out a pistol and shot the downed guy in the head. at this point we were all shocked and glued to the scene. the 2 men got into there car and sped off. When i came home i was visibly shaken. i told my mom what i had just seen. then she got scared and said, "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air." I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said "fresh" and it had dice in the mirror If anything I can say this cab is rare But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air' I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later' I looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air. hope u all enjoy
the crazyest thing happen today! I was riding home from college today on the bus (saving gas money) and i was listening to music and not paying attention to anything. As we were stopping at one of the bus stops, a girl in the back started screaming. i looked back and saw her pointing out the window, and i followed her stare. out in an unfenced yard were 3 guys. 2 of them standing, one of them was on the ground bleeding, the taller of the 2 men had a baseball bat and was ready to smash it into the downed mans head again, when the men realized a bus load of people were looking at them. as the bus driver radioed in the 911 call, the other man who wasnt doing anything pulled out a pistol and shot the downed guy in the head. at this point we were all shocked and glued to the scene. the 2 men got into there car and sped off. When i came home i was visibly shaken. i told my mom what i had just seen. then she got scared and said, "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air." I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said "fresh" and it had dice in the mirror If anything I can say this cab is rare But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air' I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later' I looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air. hope u all enjoy
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The Heaviest Element Known to Science
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
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Posts: 5,715
From: Mayami
hmm can't believe i missed this thread.
A guy wakes up one day and realizes theres a gorilla on his tree.
He immediately calls the animal control center and the gentleman arrives 30 minutes later.
The man pulls out a stick, a shotgun and a chihuahua out of his truck.
The home owner asked him why he needed all these things and the animal control guy replied, "The stick is for when I get on the tree and poke the gorilla so it falls down, at which time the chihuahua will run up to him and bite his ***** off, rendering him useless.
After much thought the owner asks, "Whats up with the shotgun?"
The Animal Control guy quickly remarks, "That's for you to shoot the chihuhua should I fall on the floor first!"
A guy wakes up one day and realizes theres a gorilla on his tree.
He immediately calls the animal control center and the gentleman arrives 30 minutes later.
The man pulls out a stick, a shotgun and a chihuahua out of his truck.
The home owner asked him why he needed all these things and the animal control guy replied, "The stick is for when I get on the tree and poke the gorilla so it falls down, at which time the chihuahua will run up to him and bite his ***** off, rendering him useless.
After much thought the owner asks, "Whats up with the shotgun?"
The Animal Control guy quickly remarks, "That's for you to shoot the chihuhua should I fall on the floor first!"
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 2,794
From: Hanover, PA
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an
alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true
methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had
a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males
would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population
would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and
Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood
up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our
problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'
alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true
methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had
a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males
would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population
would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and
Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood
up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our
problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'
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The 2008 Darwin Awards
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a fi nger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence,
the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a
free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,
telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to
bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a
crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head
at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief
on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made
of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female sh opper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Yps ilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open
the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings,
the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a fi nger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence,
the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a
free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,
telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to
bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a
crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head
at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief
on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made
of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female sh opper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Yps ilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open
the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings,
the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 1,300
From: Lake Oswego, OR
This guy is attending the local cheese festival. He gets to the first table and tries some Gouda. "not bad", he continues on. The second table has some swiss, "little dry but ok".
He gets to the third table and this rastafarian is working it. He samples the cheese and realizes it's the best mexican cheese he has ever had. He grabs the wheel of cheese and takes off. The guy working the table takes off after him yelling, "that's not-yo cheese, that's not-cho cheese..."
He gets to the third table and this rastafarian is working it. He samples the cheese and realizes it's the best mexican cheese he has ever had. He grabs the wheel of cheese and takes off. The guy working the table takes off after him yelling, "that's not-yo cheese, that's not-cho cheese..."
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Trader
SL Member
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 4,188
From: 954! oh yeah...
2 priests get invited to a Catholic convention in Rome, Italy
because of lack of room, these 2 priests had to sleep in the Nuns dormitory, they wanted to be as discreet as possible and not disrespect the nuns, so the first day they decided they would shower very late at night when all the nuns were asleep.
They went to the restrooms across the hall where they were sleeping at 1 in the morning. they quickly got undressed jumped in the shower, and began bathing. one of the priests realized that there was no soap! the other remembered he had 2 bars of soap back in the room. he wanted to be quick, and the room was really close, so he simply jumped out nude and ran to the room. he made it without being seen and grabbed the two soap bars.
He peeked out to make sure nobody was there, the closed the door, then heard voices of nuns coming down the hall, he panicked and simply backed up agains the wall and stood completely still! the nuns came around the corner and jumped to see the nude man against the wall!! One nun said it was a statue and was shocked at how real it looked! it was a work of art! they pointed to his genitalia and laughed at how real it looked!
One nun reached out and pulled his member. the priest was shocked and dropped one of the soap bars! the nuns screamed, and he remained completely still. the second nun went and did the same thing. He was shocked again and dropped the second bar!
OH, they said, its a soap dispensing statue!! Of course! The third nun did the same thing, pulled on his member, but nothing dropped? she did it again, and againg, faster and faster........
eventually she yelled
SHAMPOO SHAMPOO!!!! IT DISPENSES SHAMPOO TOO!!!!!
because of lack of room, these 2 priests had to sleep in the Nuns dormitory, they wanted to be as discreet as possible and not disrespect the nuns, so the first day they decided they would shower very late at night when all the nuns were asleep.
They went to the restrooms across the hall where they were sleeping at 1 in the morning. they quickly got undressed jumped in the shower, and began bathing. one of the priests realized that there was no soap! the other remembered he had 2 bars of soap back in the room. he wanted to be quick, and the room was really close, so he simply jumped out nude and ran to the room. he made it without being seen and grabbed the two soap bars.
He peeked out to make sure nobody was there, the closed the door, then heard voices of nuns coming down the hall, he panicked and simply backed up agains the wall and stood completely still! the nuns came around the corner and jumped to see the nude man against the wall!! One nun said it was a statue and was shocked at how real it looked! it was a work of art! they pointed to his genitalia and laughed at how real it looked!
One nun reached out and pulled his member. the priest was shocked and dropped one of the soap bars! the nuns screamed, and he remained completely still. the second nun went and did the same thing. He was shocked again and dropped the second bar!
OH, they said, its a soap dispensing statue!! Of course! The third nun did the same thing, pulled on his member, but nothing dropped? she did it again, and againg, faster and faster........
eventually she yelled
SHAMPOO SHAMPOO!!!! IT DISPENSES SHAMPOO TOO!!!!!