the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
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From: 2002 Day Member (8-6-11)
Originally Posted by hornet_on_the_flower
Originally Posted by xSTANDxSTRONGx
A pirate walks into a bar with a Toyota steering wheel down the front of his pants. The bar tender says," Doesn't that bother you, having a steering wheel down the front of your pants?"
The pirate says
"Yaris driving me nuts!"
sorry you can't have your loading time back.
The pirate says
"Yaris driving me nuts!"
sorry you can't have your loading time back.
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From: HB, CA
Originally Posted by hornet_on_the_flower
did you hear about the dyslexic Satan worshipper....
he sold his soul to santa
he sold his soul to santa
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Posts: 1,046
From: NH
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it
overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of
the
blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't
you
put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is
driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you wold've put a rubber
at
the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be riding the bus".
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it
overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of
the
blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't
you
put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is
driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you wold've put a rubber
at
the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be riding the bus".
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Posts: 1,046
From: NH
A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After
sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely
quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before
you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are
blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely
quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before
you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are
blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
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From: Grapevine, TX
yep
Originally Posted by hornet_on_the_flower
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too bleeping stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too bleeping stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
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Scinergy
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,157
From: ScinergyCO
Originally Posted by Brent_23M
your useing other peoples actions do define a democratic partys beliefs?
the thread was "post ur bad jokes" -not "post your prejudice, ignorant thoughts"
a lot of great leaders are republican, and without mixed beliefs you cant have democracy
the thread was "post ur bad jokes" -not "post your prejudice, ignorant thoughts"
a lot of great leaders are republican, and without mixed beliefs you cant have democracy
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Scinergy
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Posts: 6,157
From: ScinergyCO
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "you know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with '___'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he want for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat a$$ it won't be Cheerios."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with '___'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he want for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat a$$ it won't be Cheerios."
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From: 2002 Day Member (8-6-11)
2 germans, Hans and Frans are mountain climbing with their Mother. About half way up the mountain, one falls off and the othe calls up, "Mother, mother look, no Hans!"
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Mama Mole, Papa Mole, and Baby Mole all live in a little hole. One morning Papa Mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
Then Mama Mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, "Yum! I smell strawberry jam!"
Then Baby Mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but he can't because Mama and Papa Mole are both in the way.
He whines, "Jeez, all I can smell is molasses!"
Then Mama Mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, "Yum! I smell strawberry jam!"
Then Baby Mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but he can't because Mama and Papa Mole are both in the way.
He whines, "Jeez, all I can smell is molasses!"
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k, so....
two guys stumble across this lamp on the beach. they're both brushing off the sand when a genie pops out of the lamp.
the genie says that he can grant only three wishes, to the first man, but will double whatever he wishes for to the second man.
the first man agrees to this, and the second man is extremely excited.
first man: I wish for a billion dollars.
genie: As you wish, but your friend will recieve twice as much.
first man: That's fine. For my second wish, i want to have a mansion in every resort town in the world.
genie: Done. And your friend has two on either side of each of them.
first man: That's fine. And for my last wish, i want you to beat me half to death.
two guys stumble across this lamp on the beach. they're both brushing off the sand when a genie pops out of the lamp.
the genie says that he can grant only three wishes, to the first man, but will double whatever he wishes for to the second man.
the first man agrees to this, and the second man is extremely excited.
first man: I wish for a billion dollars.
genie: As you wish, but your friend will recieve twice as much.
first man: That's fine. For my second wish, i want to have a mansion in every resort town in the world.
genie: Done. And your friend has two on either side of each of them.
first man: That's fine. And for my last wish, i want you to beat me half to death.
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From: 2002 Day Member (8-6-11)
A polar bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What'll it be?" The polar bear says "I'll have a.........Beer."
Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"
The polar bear waves his hands and says
"I've had'em all my life."
Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"
The polar bear waves his hands and says
"I've had'em all my life."
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there once was this artist/architect/mason that was an absolute perfectionist. one day the queen of the land decides she wants a palace made entirely of glass. being very beutiful, she wanted to share her beauty with the rest of the world. she decides to hire this artist/architect/mason to build it for her. the architect decides that the best way to go about building this palace is by using glass tiles. after a few months the architect is almost finished. he has calculated the exact number of tiles and is down to the last one. he looks around for the spot that the tile goes in and cannot find it. he starts running back and forth through the palace. about an hour later he stops at the entrance, infuriated, and throws the tile way up in the air.