Swede, Irish, and Scottish golf...

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?', Ole demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'

MR LUV

 

hahahahaha

 

aha! like this one, but it was posted like 2nd page

 

Yea i saw that like after i posted.....i was thinking about it 2 but then i realized its 2 funny it has be be posted again for those people that dont like scrolling through pages

 

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kidding me."

"No. Would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man said, "Well, ok..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

 

^^ OUCH!!!!!

 

cricket

 

x2

 

.I OWE MY MOTHER


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.’

 

What's the hardest thing about being a pedofile?


Getting it in.

 

this guy goes into work one day sick as a dog. when he ran into his boss he asks him " sir what do u do when your not feeling very well? what makes you better? his boss says "well when im not feeling too good i go home and have sex with my wife. that makes me feel better."

the next day he runs into his boss again. he tells his boss "thanks for your advice. i do feel a lot better today......and oh btw u have a really nice house."

 

Colombians land in the US. At Customs the police asks them to open their luggage. The colombians do so and the police finds white powder in the luggages, takes a little in his finger and sniffs it then he exclaims:

"A-HA! I knew it!!! COCAINE, right!?!"

Colombians: "no, antrax"

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Poor cop....

 

CNN reports that Gas stations will now play **** at the pump so you can see someone else getting Fu*ked at the same time you are!!!1

 

Lmao. Some Douchebag texted me that same joke...

Hmmm.

 

^^^ f u dan... lol

 

Guarantees and Blondes...

here's a funny blonde joke I hadn't heard before...

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year...
namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo"! I told him, "It's been a year"!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up...he hasn't called back,
probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate my intelligence again.

 

hahaha

 

i forgot the joke i posted here before but here's one:

what's worse than biting into your apple and finding a worm??





biting into ur apple and finding half a worm!! eww!