I love topics like these... that way when I'm out drinking I can be the hit of the party because I'll know all the best jokes. Bring 'em on!!


What do pizza delivery boys and gynecologists have in common?


They can both smell it but they can't eat it. haha.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

There was this trucker who pulled into a motel and said to the clerk i want a room with a hooker and a bottle of jack, the clerk said i have a bottle of a jack and a chicken and said trust me you will enjoy it....So the trucker takes the offer and goes up in the room and starts drinking then looks at the chicken and starts pounding away on it....next week the trucker comes back and says i want a bottle of jack and a chicken, he says i have a bottle of jack but the only room i have left is one with a hole to watch the neighbors throuhg,,,,He said ok so he goes up and he sees a guy there and looks through the hole and sees a guy ____ing a sheep, he turns to the dude and goes WTF, the guy goes ah nah you should of been here last week there was some dude pounding a chicken.....

 

Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they'd be bagels!! (my little cousin told me that one and I think it's hilarious)

 

a west virginia girl wanted to barrow her dads car to go the mall, her dad said well first you have to go down on me, the girl was like no ill just walk, so she starts walking and she gets to a point where she says screw it ill just do it, goes back and goes down on her dad she goes dad why does your stuff taste like poop, he goes oh your brother had to barrow the car earlier

 

^dats gross.

 

haha all my other jokes i prolly cant post on here

 

What did the trailer park girl say after having sex??






"Get off me dad, your crushing my smokes!"

 

SVicks... that is really gross... and it's bOrrow, not bArrow.

 

A "heads up" for you and any friends you have who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

Again - please beware

 

old man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer...

few minutes later, a punk kid walks in....jeans, leather jacket, mohawk in all sorts of colors.....sits down and orders a beer..

kid looks over and the old man is just staring at him...shrugs is off and drinks his beer...

this goes on for twenty minutes...the old man just staring at the kid...

finally, the kid has had enough....gets up, walks over to the old man and says, "why are you staring at me? what? you never did anything crazy when you were younger?"

old man, "hell yeah i did. When i was about your age, i f*cked a peacock and was wondering if you were my son...."

 

Bernardos - I actually laughed at that one.. nice.

 

haha
Do any of you guys know any good or funny pickup lines?

You go up to a girl and ask, "If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting head tonight?"

 

cheesy pick up lines are the best...

 

I walked in on my grandparents making love...



... Thats the day i stopped eating raisins.

 

Walk up to a girl, hand her a piece of paper that says "Smile if you want to f*ck me" and watch them try not to laugh.

I would never use this line seriously, you could probably get your ___ kicked for it.

 

I like to go to really bad movies in their last week at the theaters when there is no one in the theater except for one person... and I sit right next to them they say " hey what are you doing?!" and I say shhhh! O can't hear keanu

 

I want to tell you your fortune. [Take her hand and write your phone number on it.] Your future is clear.

 

Zach Galifanakis is really funny!

"Last night I drank so much I African-Americaned out."

"Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like,'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT! '"

 

haha I love him! just looking at him is funny, did you see him in the kanye west music video?!