1. If You're Choking On An Ice Cube, Simply Pour A Cup Of Boiling Water Down Your Throat. Presto! The Blockage Will Instantly Remove Itself.

2. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

3. Avoid Arguments About The Toilet Seat - Use The Sink.

4. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.

5. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

6. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

7. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

8. Remember - Everyone Seems Normal Until You Get To Know Them.

9. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought: Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything, But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

 

When your drill into your finger-first check to see if there are children around-then decide whether to cuss or not.

If the mower hits a stick and sends a piece into your fleshy shin, first take a picture-then pull it out

Coffee really doesn't cost $3 a cup-it's that dang milk they add....

If a cow burbs near you, bottle it and sell it on ebay as fuel...

 

I'll peter slap him if I catch him doing that!

 

y use the sink, use the bath tub instead