^^ that's such a cute one! :D

I was really hoping it wasn't gonna end dirty

 

Yeah but you were thinking it just like the rest of us!

 

Knock knock...









Shelby.



















Shelby comin around the mountain wahen she comes......


Knock Knock









Nobody







































































.

 

After living in the remote wilderness of Tennessee all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields he would go here and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these any trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly women he's runnin' around with.

 

/\/\/\ wtf? thats sum funny ____o. lmao!

 

two midgets decide to go gambling in las vegas. they end up winning lots of money, so they decide to get a room for the night. on the way to the hotel, they come across two hookers and offer to pay them for their services. the midgets ended up getting rooms right next to each other...later during the night one midget hears the other "one two three ungh! one two three ungh!" the next morning, one midget says to the other, "sounds like you had fun last night", the other midget replies "man, i couldn't even get on the bed!"

ok, had to throw a your momma joke in here:

your momma is so fat she *********** reading cookbooks.

 

Dear Bubba,
This is your Mama. I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.


This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.



About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.


Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.



Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mama


P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

 

I love Hillbillies

 

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two
week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the
Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have \

some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we
will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we
should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we
may never be rescued and will have to live on the
island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the

island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we

pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" No, sweetheart," she responds.


Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,"Esther, did we pay

our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and Master Card this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.


Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

 

what do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

a quarter pounder with cheese

 

what's green, red, and goes 1000 mph?



a frog in a blender

 

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
Shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
$800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he
say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure



Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling
the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he
let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is
weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss
a great opportunity


Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The
Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."


Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want
those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say



Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle
and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate
it.


Moral of the story : To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.



Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." Well,
why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story : Bull____ might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow
came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the
pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ____s on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of ____ is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep ____, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

that's just nasty.

 

Two priest are passing each other, one priest says: "Hail Mary"

The other priest says: "Hi Nancy!" ( in a homo voice)

 

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his ********* and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the
back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

Out Of Town

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful legs all the way up to her rear end . You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his

devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch,

but knew very little about ranching, so she placed

an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys

applied for the job. One was ___ and the other adrunk.



She thought long and hard about it, and when no one

else applied she decided to hire the ___ guy,

figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than

the drunk.



He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours

every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,

the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing

very well.



Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have

done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You

should go into town and kick up your heels. " The

hired hand readily agreed and went into town on

Saturday night.



He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the

room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the

fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.



She quietly called him over to her.



"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.



Trembling, he did as she directed.



"Now take off my boots . He did as she asked, ever so slowly . Now take off my socks."



He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her

boots.



"Now take off my skirt."



He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her

eyes in the fire light.



"Now take off my bra."



Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told

and dropped it to the floor.



Then she looked at him and said:



"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're FIRED !! "

 

WTF!!!!! funniest shiot i read here in a while. gawd where u come up with these.

 

Leopard Vs Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

 

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New

York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.



Among the instructions at the entrance is a

description of how the store operates:



You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six

floors and the value of the products increase as the

shopper ascends the flights.



The shopper may choose any item from a particular

floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but

you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a

husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.



The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are

Extremely Good Looking.



"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Flo or 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are

Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are

Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a

Strong Romantic Streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth

floor and the Sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists

solely as proof that woman are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.