the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
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From: Coke-a-Cola, SC
Originally Posted by duck_dodgers_24_5
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
that's the funniest joke in 2 pages!!!here's another
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
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From: St. Louis, MO
Originally Posted by Tito_Cruz
Originally Posted by reaubideux
A giraffe walks into a bar and says "Highballs on me."
"Highballs" is a double entendre in the joke.
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From: 2002 Day Member (8-6-11)
Originally Posted by kanundrum
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We
find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack
Schitt!"
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt,
and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents'
objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. < BR>
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt
later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt
Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt,
the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned
from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct
them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We
find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack
Schitt!"
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt,
and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents'
objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. < BR>
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt
later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt
Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt,
the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned
from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct
them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
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Posts: 13,961
since you put it like that
Originally Posted by seattledave
lol...reminds me of a modest proposal....
Sparks: I've got a book.
Debbie: What's the book?
Sparks: A Modest Proposal.
Debbie: By Whom?
Sparks: Johnathan Swift.
Debbie: And what is the book about?
((long pause))
Sparks: Eating babies.
Debbie: ...the hell is that supposed to mean?
Sparks: It's like veal, only babies.
Debbie: That's sick!
Sparks: I'm talking real baby back ribs.
((long pause))
Debbie: ...the foulest thing I've ever heard!
Sparks: RIBS!!! Dripping with sauce!!! Falling off the bone!!!
Debbie: You sick bastard!!
Sparks: Just trying to help out a single mom.
Sparks: I've got a book.
Debbie: What's the book?
Sparks: A Modest Proposal.
Debbie: By Whom?
Sparks: Johnathan Swift.
Debbie: And what is the book about?
((long pause))
Sparks: Eating babies.
Debbie: ...the hell is that supposed to mean?
Sparks: It's like veal, only babies.
Debbie: That's sick!
Sparks: I'm talking real baby back ribs.
((long pause))
Debbie: ...the foulest thing I've ever heard!
Sparks: RIBS!!! Dripping with sauce!!! Falling off the bone!!!
Debbie: You sick bastard!!
Sparks: Just trying to help out a single mom.
Thread Starter
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Posts: 13,961
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, â?oGrandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma then turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the *****, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix
the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her Boyfriend."
The minister fainted!
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma then turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the *****, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix
the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her Boyfriend."
The minister fainted!
that was funny common!
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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes
from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she
looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle
of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes
from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she
looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle
of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 761
From: Coke-a-Cola, SC
I believe this is a true story...not sure tho...
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the
radio the other day and You'll love his reply to the
lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta
love this!!!!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It
is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview
between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps
General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout
Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald,what things
are you going to teach these young boys when they
visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing,
canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit
irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly
supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a
terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching
them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a
firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to
become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a
prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended. You
gotta love the Marines!
AMERICA , THE HOME OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the
radio the other day and You'll love his reply to the
lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta
love this!!!!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It
is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview
between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps
General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout
Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald,what things
are you going to teach these young boys when they
visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing,
canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit
irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly
supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a
terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching
them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a
firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to
become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a
prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended. You
gotta love the Marines!
AMERICA , THE HOME OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE
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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 151
From: Kansas City, MO
SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR KID RIGHT!
One Nation, "Under God".
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain
evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist. A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly
may not even have one!
One Nation, "Under God".
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain
evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist. A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly
may not even have one!
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 761
From: Coke-a-Cola, SC
Originally Posted by thUsLw
SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR KID RIGHT!
One Nation, "Under God".
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain
evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist. A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly
may not even have one!
One Nation, "Under God".
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain
evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist. A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly
may not even have one!
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Posts: 2,409
From: Redneck Riveria
This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans , there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death.
But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans , there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death.
But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 761
From: Coke-a-Cola, SC
LOL! that was pretty funny...
here's one that made me laugh pretty loud at work.
The hottest 16 year old
don't worry...it's work safe.
here's one that made me laugh pretty loud at work.
The hottest 16 year old
don't worry...it's work safe.