the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
Senior Member
SL Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 5,114
From: Laurel, MD
This is Just a JOKE, no one take offense plzzzz loool.
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times "milder" than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense
Njoy
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times "milder" than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense
Njoy
(granted, they are females too :D)
Senior Member
SL Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 761
From: Coke-a-Cola, SC
Originally Posted by kanundrum
This is Just a JOKE, no one take offense plzzzz loool.
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times "milder" than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense
Njoy
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times "milder" than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense
Njoy
Senior Member
SL Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 761
From: Coke-a-Cola, SC
An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy.
Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both M ale and female sometimes camels
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too
Consul: Man,......... isn' t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul: Oh dear!
Arab : Deer No ,hole too high, run too fast!
Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both M ale and female sometimes camels
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too
Consul: Man,......... isn' t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul: Oh dear!
Arab : Deer No ,hole too high, run too fast!
Thread Starter
Senior Member
SL Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place how he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies,
"I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes and calmly says,
"No, I'm your son's math teacher."
"I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes and calmly says,
"No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Thread Starter
Senior Member
SL Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
Rufus and Clarence
There were two old men living in the backwoods of the Ozarks .... Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout.
"You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim .... or I'd swim this river and whup your behind!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back.
"You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim ... or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny behind!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and built a bridge.
Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.
Finally .... Mrs. Rufus had had enough.
"Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge ... have a go at it."
Rufus thought for a moment.
Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's behind!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up .....
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried the misses.
"I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's behind!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge .... I stepped up on the bridge ... walked halfway over the bridge .... looked up ..."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said ....
"Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" .... he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river" !!!
There were two old men living in the backwoods of the Ozarks .... Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout.
"You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim .... or I'd swim this river and whup your behind!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back.
"You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim ... or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny behind!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and built a bridge.
Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.
Finally .... Mrs. Rufus had had enough.
"Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge ... have a go at it."
Rufus thought for a moment.
Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's behind!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up .....
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried the misses.
"I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's behind!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge .... I stepped up on the bridge ... walked halfway over the bridge .... looked up ..."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said ....
"Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" .... he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river" !!!
Senior Member
SL Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 761
From: Coke-a-Cola, SC
I'm not sure if this was posted but I think It may have...
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, b***h, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:
"dammit, you lazy w***e, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! " Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, s**t, " says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry a$$ - I want it right now! "
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20, 000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta *****."
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, b***h, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:
"dammit, you lazy w***e, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! " Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, s**t, " says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry a$$ - I want it right now! "
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20, 000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta *****."
oucccchhhh 
)
Senior Member
SL Member
DelMarVa
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 618
A plastic surgeon specializing in breast augmentations is talking to his next patient about the upcoming surgery. He tells the young female that he will have to numb her breasts before the operation. The female agrees and the doctor then grabs the girls breasts, buries his face in them and says, "Num, num, num, num, num."
The other day I prevented a rape in an elevator... Yeah... I changed my mind.
The other day I prevented a rape in an elevator... Yeah... I changed my mind.
Senior Member
SL Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,092
From: Royal Post Palace
Originally Posted by midgethearsexb
A plastic surgeon specializing in breast augmentations is talking to his next patient about the upcoming surgery. He tells the young female that he will have to numb her breasts before the operation. The female agrees and the doctor then grabs the girls breasts, buries his face in them and says, "Num, num, num, num, num."
The other day I prevented a rape in an elevator... Yeah... I changed my mind.
The other day I prevented a rape in an elevator... Yeah... I changed my mind.
Senior Member
SL Member
DelMarVa
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 618
Originally Posted by tC4italy
Originally Posted by midgethearsexb
A plastic surgeon specializing in breast augmentations is talking to his next patient about the upcoming surgery. He tells the young female that he will have to numb her breasts before the operation. The female agrees and the doctor then grabs the girls breasts, buries his face in them and says, "Num, num, num, num, num."
The other day I prevented a rape in an elevator... Yeah... I changed my mind.
The other day I prevented a rape in an elevator... Yeah... I changed my mind.
Member
SL Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 79
2 flies are eating a pile of cow dung. they get so full that they can no longer fly anymore. the first one decides to climb up to the top of a shovel and jump off, and maybe the extra height will help him fly. he jumps off.....splat! the second fly tries it as well and then.....splat!
Moral of the story:
Don't fly off the handle if you know you are full of ____!
Moral of the story:
Don't fly off the handle if you know you are full of ____!
