so a baby seal walks into a club...

 

3 brothers were driving to their parents house for the holidays on christmas eve, it was snowing out and they wrecked and died.

They got to the pearly gates and Saint Peter says "Since its christmas eve you have to have something with you that represents some part of christmas."

The first brother stands there and thinks for a second, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter and lights it, "It's a candle" he says. Saint peter tells him to go on through.

The second brother stands there fir a minute, pulls out his keys and shakes them, "They're jingle bells" he says. Saint peter tells him to go on through.

The third brother is standing there a good five minutes, hes starting to sweat and pacing back and forth, shaking nervously, finally he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of panties. "what do panties have to do with christmas?" Saint Peter asks.

The third brother replies "They're Carol's."

 

 

...and that's how the fight started
>
>
> >
> One year, a husband decided to buy his
> mother-in-law a cemetery plot
> as a Christmas gift.
> The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
> When she asked him why, he replied, "Well,
> you still haven't used the
> gift I bought you last year!"
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> My wife walked into the den & asked
> "What's on the tv?"
> I replied "Dust".
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom
> mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to
> her husband, 'I feel
> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need
> you to pay me a
> compliment.'
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's
> damn near perfect.'
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
> upcoming
> anniversary. She said, 'I want something
> shiny that goes from 0 to 200
> in about 3 seconds.
> I bought her a scale.
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for
> our anniversary?'
> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
> appreciation.
> 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long
> time!' she said.
> So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A
> Millionaire while we were
> in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you
> want to have sex?'
> 'No,' she answered.
> I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
>
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply
> saying 'Yes.'
> So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a
> friend.'
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of
> Miller Light for $14.95.
> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for
> $7.95. I told her the beer
> would make her look better at night than the cold
> cream.
> And that's when the fight started.....
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for
> some reason, took my
> order first.
> 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
> please.'
> He said, 'Aren't you worried about the
> mad cow?'
> 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
> And that's when the fight started
>

 

^that last one hit the spot! LMAO!!

 

Those fight started ones were hilarious!!! I needded a laugh today-thanks

 

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.


The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"


"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."


Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.


"That's his mistress," says her husband.


"Ours is prettier," she replies.

 

^LOL

if only.............lol

 

this is a shovel/rake conversation. no hoes alowed... (to a girl)

 

Ahhh page 65 is preety funny. Keep em comming ladies and gents

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_Im9OgMVrs

 

Guy # 1 - "Whoa! Duuuuddeee, these are like totally burning my mouth. These aren't cool at all!"

Guy # 2 - "Oh man your bag totally turned into BBQ flavour!"

Guy #1 - "Oh sh*t man, you're right! I'm wiggin' out! I'm hungry. Let's go get some Snickers bars..."

 

^Sorry i didnt get this one.....

 

A bear and a rabbit are taking a poop in the forest, sitting next to each other

the bear asked the rabbit "hey man, do you have crap sticking to your fur after taking a dump?"

rabbit says, "no, not at all"

so the bear reached over and wiped his *** with the rabbit!

 

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could
say '____!', the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could
say 'S**t!', the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

 

finally, a funny one... just fix your post to delete the first half, lol

 

double post in one post

 

LOL I didn't do that I think mods tried to clean up the s word and added poop but didn;t remove my post. I put s**t

 

A man has bought a box of cigarrete. Suddenly he read the warning ’smoking of cigarretes may cause an impotence’ then he get back to saleswomen and say: ‘give me the one with cancer, please’

 

John woke up after the annual office new year party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

'Louise,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'

'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete ___ of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'

'He's an idiot,' John said. '____ on him.'

'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.'

'Well, screw him!' said John.

'I did. You're back to work on Monday.'